If Walls Could Talk...

It's not personal, it's business. Yes, my friend I learned this valuable lesson last week. You see two weeks ago our house went under contract. I did my very best to not get excited about it but sometimes you just can't help it. I felt like our prayers have been answered and the ball was rolling on our move to the metroplex. Last Monday and Wednesday Holt and I spend our days looking for a new house we could make a home. After seeing what felt like a 1000 homes, we found one! A perfect home, on a perfect street, in the perfect subdivision, just all around perfect. Josh met us at this house after he got off work and he agreed. So like any good second time home buyer we decided to sleep on it.... and let me tell you we are so very glad that we did. The next morning I got the call that no seller under contract wants to get and I'm sure no realtor wants to make. My sweet realtor broke the news to me as gently as she could. "They buyers have backed out." that and a migraine with a side of teething (which means very cranky) 6 month old is how my Thursday morning started. After I wrapped my head around the reason they backed out I felt offend and hurt. I have never been on this end of house selling before so of course there are lessons to learn.  I took if very personally that they did not want my house. Then I realized that to them it was just four walls and a roof. That haven't lived in the house like we have. There has been lots of life lived in this house.

The buyers didn't know that Josh and I bought this house together as a home to start our married life in. From the moment we bought it I knew that the Lord had blessed us with a home that is more then we deserve. And I made a promise to Him that our door would always be open to anyone that needed a place to rest, because we were blessed and wanted to bless others. Josh moved into this house a couple months before we were married and then I joined him after we got married. The day we got home from our honeymoon, before we even drove in to Tyler, my brother called and said that his house was hit by lightening and their electricity was out. He kindly asked if he and my sister in law could come stay in our guest room until they got everything worked out. So in they came, them and their two dogs. That my friend is how Josh and I spent our first night in our home. With 4 dogs and 2 guests. We decided from that moment on our "honeymoon" was over!  So this house has not only been a home to Josh and myself but it's been a retreat from the world for my brother and sister in law, who have moved in and out for over 3 years while she was battling cancer. 

They didn't know that this room has been a place of rest for two of the most dearest and precious  people in my life. My sweet sister in law, Lindsey and my son Holt. The Lord has done some mighty healing in this room and has saved two lives that are and will do incredible things in His name. This room has been a resting place for them.

They didn't know all the dinners that were cooked and shared in this kitchen. Or about the many conversations that were had sitting here after dinner. 

They didn't know that this "master retreat" has been a safe haven for Josh and myself. It's been a place for our love and relationship to grow. It was a place of rest for me during 30 weeks of my pregnancy. It''s seen it fair share of love, laughter and yes, some good ol arguments. 

 They didn't know as they walked in our living room of the many friends that have sat in here and laughed and just enjoyed each others company. Or the many Saturdays of just veggin and relaxing while watching football. Or the many hours of video games that have been played. They didn't how wonderful the back yard is. That when the weather is nice you can sit on the patio and eat dinner, and when it gets dark sit under the star with a fire in the fire pit. Oh the conversations that have been had out side by the fire.

They didn't know that I stood in this entry way and cried, tear of joy, the day Holt and I came home from the hospital. I stood staring at a house I hadn't seen in 4 long months and felt comfort because I was home. 

Im pretty sure that if the buyers knew what kind of home this house has been to us then they might not have walked away. I know that somewhere out there there is a family that is looking for a home just like this. And our prayer for this house has been and will continue to be that the next family to live here will fall in love and live life in this house like we have. Until then I'm going to keep reminding myself...

It's not personal, it's business.

From This to That.

Friday December the 7th I took Holt back to the cardiologist for a 2 month follow up. Every time I sit in the exam room with him while waiting on the echo report I get a lump in my throat and hold my breath a little.  I'm sure you can understand why, once you hear those words "your baby is very sick" it changes the way you wait for results. Dr. Laird came in sat down as normal and began to answer all my questions and listen to my concerns. As usual they are all "normal" new mom concerns but he is always so patient with me as I address my list. Once we'd reached the end of my list he gave us a report that I have no other explanation for then our prayers have been answered. Dr. Laird told us that he is just FLOORED, yup floored the how wonderful his heart looks. He said that the muscle they were concerned about when we found the AS has completely recovered and is normal. It is in the high range of normal but none the less it's normal AND it doesn't even look like the heart he started with. There is still some mild to moderate aortic stenosis but could not be more pleased with how he is doing today. We were able to stop both of his medications for his heart. There were lots tears of joy after this report. It was a moment that the only explanation for this is the Lord has answered our prayers. I can't help but see the Lord every time I look in the smiley face of that kiddo.
I still can't believe that we've gone from this....

2 days old 

to this.... a sweet 5 month old! 

Though it's been a long journey but it's one I wouldn't change for anything. Don't get me wrong I've had my moments. Those moments of "I just can't do this anymore" and usually at that moment I see the sweetest smile or hear the cutest laugh and it just melts my heart. It makes those moments where you just want to give up so worth it. I'm sure any new mom would agree with me that this baby business is hard! Sleep deprivation is intense and can make you feel like you're losing your mind. There is no selfishness in motherhood and you can kiss your independence good-bye.  I have a much deeper appreciation for mothers now. It's hard to explain and something you'll never understand until you experience it yourself. Being a mother is the most challenging, wonderfully frustrating, fantastic, rewarding adventure I've been on so far and would not change it for the anything!

I want to end with a verse that has gotten me through some pretty scary moments. It was read over Holt the first night we were admitted to the hospital, when the unknown was all we knew. I want to write the whole chapter because it has given me such great comfort during such dark times.
(Psalms 91)

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty
I will say to the Lord. MY refuge and my fortress,
My God in whom I trust.
For it is He who delivers you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers ,
and under His wings you will find refuge;
His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of the night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

If you say, "The Lord is my refuge"
and you make the Most High your dwelling.
No harm will overtake you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you
 to guard you in all your ways.
they will lift you up in their hands.
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone...

"Because he loves me" says the Lord, "I will rescue him;
 I will protect him for he acknowledges my name.
He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.

And here is the big finally that I have prayed over Holt more then I can even count, it's my peace during the scariest moments of uncertainty.... I know this is the promise for this sweet kiddo.

With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation."

There is a christmas song that I've heard a million times but for some reason there is a line that has just stuck with me. "Until my head agrees my heart is on it's knees" so powerful. May I be a mom and a wife who's heart is always on it's knees. I will forever and always claim this promise over Holt...."with long life You will satisfy him and show him your salvation." What a story this kiddo is going to have to tell someday. I can't wait to see the rest of it unfold.

Merry Christmas!

Out with the Old, On with the New

Crazy doesn't even being to touch the surface of how our world has been lately. I know it's been a while since I've posted so hang on I'm going to do my best to let you in on our lives these days. Since we've last talked we've had one ambulance ride (which resulted in a hospital night stay in Dallas), a GREAT report at the cardiologist appointment, 2 road trips, a couple of milestones in Holt's life and this just in, a new job for Josh! It's enough to make your head spin. Don't worry I will explain everything in this list. First things first, on the 9th Holt was three months old. I can't help but be overwhelmed with gratitude when I think of where we have come from to where we are now. I am amazed when I hold my little miracle that we have actually made it to 3 months, especially when I think back on the day when my world stood still and Josh and I were told that our sweet baby was very sick. God is so good and he has answered our prayers in such a mighty way. I'm going to jump a head and give you the latest update from our cardiology appointment. We had an echo on September 28th and our normal visit with our doctor, or so I thought. Dr. Laird entered the room and started asking how we were doing and asking about all my concerns from the last visit. He put Holt on the table and started watching him breath and answered more of my questions. Of course, my heart sank because he hadn't mentioned the echo yet and I just assumed that he was going to drop a bomb on us about the condition of Holt's heart. He did drop a bomb but it was a WONDERFUL report. He told us that there has been significant improvement in the functioning of his heart. He said that muscle in the ventricle is recovering well and his heart has shrunk in size. He told us he is very very pleased with his progress and feels comfortable with letting us come back in 2 months.  After we left his office I felt like I could exhale a little more knowing that our prayers have been answered in such a mighty way. God is so good!

This cardiology appointment was a follow up to our surprise hospital stay. Around 4:00 am on Sunday morning I was awoken by the sound of Holt crying in the monitor. I watched the monitor before getting out of bed to see if he would calm down and go back to sleep. Of course he did after a couple minutes but I was awake and my attempts to fall back asleep were unsuccessful. So I brilliantly decided to feed Holt since I was already awake in hopes of sleeping a little later. Boy was that a mistake! I started to feed Holt and he was very figidity. His was moving constantly, extending his neck and moving his arms and legs. I gave up on feeding him because he would not stop moving. It was more then normal and his breathing was rapid and different the normal. So I put him back in his crib hoping he would calm down. My plan just did not work. I woke Josh up and told him to watch Holt in the monitor. He became concerned and went to his room to pick him up and try to calm him down. After 30 minutes of trying I finally became very concerned and called the on call cardiologist. She became concerned because we were concerned and sent us to the ER. So off we went. The rest of the morning was kind of a blur. We got to the ER and they did a chest x-ray and that was the same as the previous one. The ER doctor called the cardiologist and she told him to send us her way. They explained to us that they are airing on the side of caution with him because with heart disease it could be something or it could be nothing. So with in a matter of 2 minutes there was a swarm of nurses getting Holt prepped for our transportation to Medical City. We were packed up and started out on our first ambulance ride. Once we got to Medical City we were taken to an isolation room where a respiratory therapist was standing in the room. She started listening to Holt and confirmed my fears with his breathing. She diagnosed him with nose buggers. Yes, that's right all this fuss for buggers. Don't get me wrong I would take that any day over heart problems, but it was the last thing I wanted to do that day. They kept us over night for observation and sent us home the next day.  So you can understand why I am sleeping better after our great report at the cardiologist, besides the obvious.

As for the other items on my list, well we took much needed family get-a-way to Beavers Bend for a long weekend and then last week Holt and myself went with my mother to meet my new nephew. We had such a wonderful visit to Midland with our family. While we were in Midland, Josh accepted a position with a new company. He is now a design engineer with Nucor and TODAY was his first day. Which means that we are moving! Yup, that's right- we are putting our house on the market and as soon as it sells we are moving to the metroplex. Josh's job is in Terrell. We really love the Rockwall area. So this week is a week of transition. We worked all weekend to get our house ready and staged to put on the market. We have also decided to live with my parents until our house sells since I stay home and it would be hard to leave at a moments notice with our sweet kiddo.

So that's where we are today. This week we are meeting with a realtor here in Tyler to put our house on the market and then Friday after Josh gets off of work we are going to meet with our other realtor in Dallas to look for houses over there. I know that this is an answer to our prayers and we are very excited about the possibilities with Josh' career. It's is going to be very bitter sweet to leave Tyler, but we are excited to start our new adventure. Will you join me in praying that our house sells fast? Josh has an an hour and a half commuting right now until we move there and I know that that drive is going to get really old if he has to do it for an extend period of time. I know that God is able to do exceedingly more the we can ask or imagine (Eph. 3:20) because I get to care and love on that proof everyday. So we are praying again that he would move the "mountain" in front of us and sell our house.

That my friend is what is going on in our lives today. There is never a dull moment and I am loving every minute!

Seasons

Josh and I have come to a bitter sweet decision regarding my work situation. As of today my job description reads "stay at home mommy". Yikes! It's bitter for me because I have worked with the most incredible group of people who have loved and supported me through this whole situation. I am going to miss spending my days with my friends. Please don't get me wrong, the work part I'm not going to miss, but the people absoulty! I could not have asked for a better place to work during my "working" season but the winds of change are here once again. The sweet part is I am starting a new season, the "mom" season. Really if you think about it nothing is going to change for me and Holt, it's just official now and that my friend is very scary for me. I feel like I am having an identity crisis. Let me explain, all I've ever known since college is Monday-Friday, 8-5 punching a time clock to make money to pay my bills and survive. There's a weird sense of freedom met with sheer panic going on in my brain. On one side it's yelling "freedom!" and on the other (the logical) side it's saying "Are you crazy, one income? You are going to totally rely on another individual to provide for you?" And the answer is "Yes". We are now a one income family and that is also a very scary thought for me. It completely goes against the "independent" part of my being. I know that we will adjust to this one income and someday we are going to look back and wonder how we ever survived with both of us working, but until that day there has been a LOT of chats with the Lord.

I know it's human nature to worry and fret about how we are going to make it from one day to the next and last week I was very human. I struggled with quiting my job.  I resseled with the idea that God might not provide for us. Which if you ask me in insanity talking especially if you look back on the last few months of our lives. He has done nothing but provide for us. So please bear with me here as I walk through my "humanness". On paper one might think we have gone completely nuts by going to one income. Trust me, I have questioned our sanity also. I have had many many conversations with God asking "Are you sure, do you not know what it looks like on paper? Do you know that it's almost a daily occurrence that we receive a hospital bill? Are you not aware we just brought home a kid from the NICU and a total of 12 weeks in the hospital??, You are out of your mind!" Let me just tell you what an incredible patient and wonderful loving God's answer was : "Trust Me." At night after I put Holt in his crib I have started reading from Jesus Calling a little devotional book before I fall asleep. Let me just give you the first line from three different days that I read last week. "Trust Me in the midst of a mess day." was day one. "Demonstrate your trust in me by sitting quietly in My Presence." was day two and last but not least "Living in dependence on me is a glorious adventure." was day three. And if the message was not clear enough every scripture that I read had something to do with not worrying and God's provision.  The scripture  that really hit it home was Luke 12:22 " Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, or what you will wear"  If that's not loud and clear enough then I'm not sure what is. After reading that I knew exactly what we were being called to do. I'm not sure how it could be any clearer. So Josh and I prayed about it and gave it over to the Lord.

The bible story of the boy that had two fish and five loaves of bread has been in my mind lately. I can so very much relate to him. I feel like Josh and I have 2 fish and 5 loaves financially that we have laid at the feet of Jesus, knowing that he can do with us just what he did with that boys lunch. Multiply it and feed 5000 people with it and still have some left over. I know that God still does miracles because sleeping in his crib my child Holt is nothing short of a miracle. He has done it once for our family and he can do it again.

So today and for all my tomorrows I am going to enjoy and be thankful that I have the opportunity to stay home and raise my kiddo. I know that the Lord truly does give you the desires of your heart and I was reminded of that yesterday as I was putting away laundry in Holt's room. I have always desired to be a wife and stay at home mom and yesterday as I was "talking" to Holt about clothes and reminding him of what a miracle he is it hit me, I have been given the desires of my heart! I am a wife to the most incredible man that I could have ever asked for and a mother to the sweetest and cutest miracle God has ever created. So why is it that I find myself struggling to trust that God will provide? Let's face it, I'm human! I'm just grateful that God is so patient with me and my struggles. I know that through this whole experience and all of our tomorrows I am just growing stronger and deeper in my trust in the Lord.

I am reminded of a hymn I grew up singing:
"Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
 just to take Him at His Word.
 Just to rest upon His promise:
and to know, "thus saith the Lord"

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I've proved Him o'er and o'er;
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
Oh, for grace to trust Him more!"

Oh, for grace to trust Him more. I am daily learning this lesson, and until I get it down- well I'm pushing the 'repeat' button to help remind me!

Flexibility

I have learned that flexibility is essential to our survival with this kiddo. I'm sure it's essential with any new baby but I feel it is especially with mine. This past week I put into practice this valuable lesson. Last Friday, Holt was scheduled to be circumcised in Dallas at a pediatric urology clinic. We have had the hardest time getting this done in Tyler because he was not born here and they won't touch him until he is at least 1 years old. Even then he would have to be admitted to the hospital and put to sleep to have the procedure. I would like to avoid the hospital as much as possible so I was not to keen on that idea.  Holly (the cardio NP) told me that they have many heart/NICU babies that this happens to and gave me name of this group. So I called them up and scheduled the procedure while it can still be done in the office. They do this in the office while he is under 10 pounds. Which is perfect for us because  at the time Holt was weighing in at 8 pounds 11 ounces.

Thursday afternoon I packed the car up and we headed to Dallas to spend the night with a dear friend of mine from college. Before I left I had noticed that Holt was sounding a little congested and wheezing a little bit but I just chalked it up to my paranoia and trucked on down the road. When we got to my friends house that afternoon I feed this lil guy and he threw up the whole bottle. Then of course I started to get worried! He was feeling warm and still breathing funny, but again I just thought I was being paranoid. We had a wonderful afternoon just catching up and letting our boys meet each other. That evening he threw up his 6 o'clock bottle and then again at 9 o'clock. He was feeling very warm so I took his temperature and it was 99.6. Which to any normal baby that is not that bad of a fever, but for a kiddo who just 2 weeks before started out with a low grade fever and with in 24 hours was hospitalized due to fever, well let's just say it had his mommy concerned. He was also showing some symptoms that they had told me to watch for, so I did as instructed and called the on call cardiologist. After explaining what was going on my instructions were to give him Tylenol and keep checking his temperature. If it went to 101.0 or greater then it was off to the emergency room at Medical City for us. Dr. Laird told us to call him in the morning and let him know how he was doing. That night was a long night for us, because my sweet baby just did not feel good. He slept very well all and most of the night until about 3 am. After feeding him I rocked him back to sleep and tried to put him in the pack-n-play, but he just did not want to be put down. So I held him for the remainder of the night.

The next morning I called Dr. Laird as soon as the office opened and told him not much had changed. I was told to come in as soon as I could get there to be checked out. So off to the dr. office we went. On the way I cancelled the appointment with the urologist, which is why we originally came down there. At that moment I realized that there is never going to be a dull moment with this child, and that's ok because I've never been one to take the easy road and I'm afraid my child is following suit. At the cardiologists we had an EKG and an Echo to rule out this was a heart problem. Praise the Lord it was just "normal baby stuff". We were given an excellent report! His heart function has improved more from the last echo we had done at the office on Aug. 1st and though his heart is still enlarged it is smaller in size. Praise the Lord for some good news! I will take a sick kid any day of the week as long as his heart is functioning properly. We were asked to stay in town for the weekend just in case we needed to be hospitalized if his fever got higher or his breathing worsened.  On a funny side note, Holt was wheezing and grunting and coughing all evening, night and morning but as soon as we got to the Dr's office, he was perfectly fine! I just laughed, because it would happen like that. I'm sure Dr. Laird thinks I need to spend a few days in the loony bin, or at least I felt that way. Sweet Holly (the NP) came into check on us before we left the office and she reassured me that they don't think I'm loony. I will forever be grateful for what she said to me. She told me that being a new mom in itself will make you feel like you're a little crazy but add something to it like a heart problem and it for sure make you feel like you're going insane. She reassured me that I am doing a great job and they are so very impressed with his progress and extremely pleased with where we are today. I am so thankful for her! I felt a little less loony after talking to her.

Before we left the office we were given symptoms to watch for and asked to hang around the metroplex for a couple of days to make sure he gets better before he head back to Tyler. And that is exactly what we did. Josh came in town after work on Friday and we stayed with our friends for the weekend. Though Holt did not feel good we had such a wonderful weekend! There is nothing like spending time with wonderful friends, it does wonders for the soul. Sunday afternoon we came back to Tyler. Holt hasn't run fever since Saturday evening and he is just a happy, healthy for now baby. My prayer now is that we can make it 3 weeks without getting sick. I've decided to take it one week at a time and consider it a small victory that 1. we weren't hospitalized again for the fever and 2. that we made it two weeks before we got sick again. So here's to making it 3 weeks.

As far as the circumcision, well my sweet boy weighs 9 pounds 1 ounce and if he keeps putting on the weight like he has been then he will be too big for the procedure in the office. I have rescheduled the appointment for September 4, when we go back to Dallas for another check up with the cardiologist.  If he is over 10 pounds then we will just have a consult at the urologist and wait until he is 4-6 months to have the procedure. And of course, we will have to be hospitalized for this procedure. If he is under 10 pounds then we can have the procedure done that day. I am not holding my breath that we will be under 10 pounds and I am not looking forward to another hospital stay,   I keep reminding myself that it could be worse. I am thankful we are where we are today. I know it is only by the grace of a mighty God that Holt is where he is today!

I have a motto that I try to live by and it applies so well for our tomorrows: "Blessed are the flexible for the will not break" So here's to flexibility!

Readjust

So I started this blog last Thursday, needless to say I haven't figured out how updating this blog fits into our route. I promise I will figure it out before Holt is in college ;) just be a little patient with me until I get the hang of this new mom stuff.


We made it home again! Well, we've been home from the hospital for one week tomorrow. I must admit this last hospital stay was much harder then any of the 12 weeks that we were at Medical City.  I know that sounds crazy, I've even thought how bazaar that sounds myself, but the only explanation I have for it is that I could see physically that Holt was sick. While we were at Medical City he was sick but looked like a healthy little baby. Not so much with this stay. I am so thankful for my family. I don't know what I would have done without them. Tuesday night my mom stayed with me and I am so thankful that she did! That was the hardest night for us because Holt was still running fever and not feeling good at all! Then Josh stayed with me the next night and Thursday night my sweet SIL was called in for "Mommy duty" and she stayed the night and let Josh and I go home and get an uninterrupted nights sleep. A good nights rest does wonders for the body and mind! I came back up to the hospital rested and feeling a little more confident that we were going to make it though this hospitalization ok! And that we did.

Friday we were sent home, again! They aren't really sure what caused our little miracle to have a fever because all of the million tests they ran on him came back normal, Praise the Lord- they were testing for some pretty scary stuff, in my opinion. Heart disease I can handle but heart disease and something else- God and I were going to have a little chat. But thankfully we didn't have to go down that road. All they could tell us is they found some bacteria in his urine, but it's a unique kind so they classified it as a UTI but not your normal UTI. The bacteria that was growing is found on the skin so the only thing they could think of is this came from the cath. he had placed in the NICU for the heart cath. procedure. Man was I glad to hear that's all it was!

The weekend was pretty uneventful except for a couple of sleepless nights (but that's nothing new) On Sunday my mom volunteered her babysitting services so that Josh and I could go to church. We gladly excepted the offer because we haven't been able to go to church since before I was hospitalized. Even though we haven't been to church in what has felt like an eternity I feel like I have grown so much closer to the Lord. I  know what you're thinking, well of course silly look what you've just been through!  My music has been my life line these days. I have had better times of worship while in my car then I have ever had in a corporate setting. Which kinda sounds a bit crazy to me, but it reminded me that worship can be anywhere at anytime. It doesn't have to be limited to a church building with a music minister singing hymns. Don't get me wrong that's a great thing and there is something special about worshiping with fellow believers, but it's not limited to just there. Well that's my ramble for the day! All that to say this experiences has opened my eyes and changed my way of how I worship.

This week has been a week of adjustments to say the least. Now that I have been able to catch my breath from the events of the past couple of months I have done a lot of processing. When you're in the middle of a situation "survival" mode kicks in and you do anything you can to make it through. Now that we're home I feel like that mode has shut off and we can relax for a moment. It has given me lots of time to process. Which can be a good or bad thing. This is going to sound strange but I've just started realizing the reality of what all we went through. Call it what you want but I think my mind was in shock for a while and then drugged (which I am thankful for) and now that I am back in my right mind I've had lots of freak-out moments. The verse that is on repeat in my head is "Trust in the Lord with all your heart". This has a whole new meaning to me. I keep telling myself "Trust in the Lord with all his heart" I feel as though I am in constant prayer giving my fears to the Lord. I know that the doctor's wouldn't have let us go from the hospital if they weren't confident that for right now Holt's heart is ok. And in fact the report we got on Tuesday from our visit to the cardiologist was that his heart has improved a little more. It is still enlarged but the ventricul has shown more improvement. Which is music to a mother's ears. I can't help but keep in the back of my mind that is heart is still not perfect. When we were in the hospital in Tyler the doctor that we were seeing came in after the echo was done and said "Man, this kid's heart is a mess!" I'm sorry but there are certain things that I do and don't need to hear and the fact that my child's heart is not perfect and worse a mess is one of them! I understand that we have issues but really to come in and say that it's a mess does nothing productive!

I wanted to walk Holt right out of the hospital right then and there! But after calming myself down and thinking rationally we stayed. Ever since then I haven't been able to get that out of my mind. That is one thing that I realize and am so grateful for this group of cardiologists that are treating my sweet boy. They have given us just enough information to allow Josh and I to feel informed but they have leaving out the details like "your kids heart is a mess". Really it does nothing productive. Just when I thought I couldn't handle this anymore, Holly the wonderful NP with this group called to check on us and allow me to express all my fears. I can't tell how wonderful it is to have her. She gives me the facts in a simple way that I can understand and is always reassuring.

Fast forward today. I am doing much better! I had a "slap in the face moment" this past Sunday at church. I was asked how we are doing and I told them that Holt's ok and I'm a mess. The response i got was harsh but I needed to hear it. "You had such great faith when y'all were in the hospital, what happened to it?" My first response was "You sit in a doctors office and be told that your child might be having heart failure and tell me you wouldn't be a mess!" But I didn't have much to respond back after that. I know it's new mom stuff but I am still trying to figure out what is "normal baby" and what is "heart baby" Here is a good example of what I mean. When we were at his check up with the cardiologist we were given a good report but after that the dr. said he is concerned that Holt is showing signs of heart failure or it could be acid reflux- because naturally they are the same symptoms. He wasn't really concerned because he was breathing normal and wasn't showing signs of distress. So he said "we'll touch base with you on Thursday and see how he's doing. If he hasn't improved any then we would do further testing to see what was going on." Then he ended with: "If everything is ok on Thursday then we'll see him back in a month, have a good day!"

And out the door he went! I was left there holding a kid that might or might not be in heart failure and I'm suppose to just go home?  Needless to say we had a couple of rocky days. I freaked out about the smallest movements. Friday morning I called Lindsey, my wonderful SIL, crying because I thought there was something wrong with his breathing. She dropped everything and come rushing over. Thank goodness her and my brother live only 2 minutes away. After her assessment and my calming down we decided that it was just gas.  I don't know what I would do with out her, I think the cardiologist need to pay her because she has saved them a lot of freaking out phone calls.

Sunday after church I really started digesting what was said to me that morning. I am so guilty of not trusting that Holt's heart is going to be ok. I keep forgetting that the Lord has everything under control and worrying about it does nothing but cause lack of sleep. I would like to blame sleep deprevation for the whole thing but when I am honest with myself I did need to completely give it over to the Lord. So that's what I did. I am happy to say that we are both doing good! Holt is sleeping in his crib and last night he only woke up once. Which makes for a more happier mommy in the morning. We have determined that is acid- reflux that was causing the symptoms and we have been put on medication to help with it. Heart disease can cause acid reflux  and i would take acid reflux anyday of the week over heart failure. I feel like we have taken a turn for the better! I am relaxing more and learning to enjoy every moment I get with this sweet boy. He is growing up way to fast for me!
I must end this now and go feed this kiddo- he's getting grumpy! Thank you for your continued prayers for our family as we adjust to our "normal" home life. I promise I will do much better at updating this blog.

Home Sweet Home-- or so I thought

Well we have made it through our first week at home and were just starting to get adjusting to life at home. Last Monday we went and met our pediatrician and on Wednesday we went back to Dallas for an appointment with the cardiologist. We had such a great report from that visit. Holt's heart is still stable and they are pleased with his progress. The rest of the week was lots of sleeping and enjoying our time at home. We were given a 2 week follow up with the cardiologist and are just watching until they feel like it is time for another intervention.

Our adjusting and enjoyment of home came to a screeching stop yesterday morning. On Monday I had noticed that we were becoming a little more fussier then normal. I just chalked it up to what I thought was acid reflux. We were given a medication to help with that and thought everything was just grand. At 3 am on Tuesday morning we awoke for feeding time and I noticed that Holt was feeling a little warm. I changed him from the jammies he was wearing to a onsie in hopes that would cool him off. I took his temperature and it was 98.9. I was glad there was no fever and went on about my business. Holt never really went back to sleep, just fussed  until 6 when it was time for more food. At 6 I noticed that he had not cooled off any and in fact felt much warmer. I took his temp. again, this time it was 100.1. And that's how are crummy day started. I called and got an appt. with the pedi dr. thinking we'd get some meds and be send on our merry way home. Boy was i mistaken. I am so glad that our doctor airs on the side of caution. While in the office we had labs drawn, blood cultures were done to rule out infection in the blood, chest x-ray to make sure he didn't have pneumonia and last but not least a lumbar puncture (otherwise known as a spinal tap).

When you're going on a very small amount of sleep the world seems much harder to deal with and add hunger to the mix and you have a recipe for disaster. While all this was going on I just sat in the office with tears streaming down my face. My sister-in-laws sister is the nurse for our pediatrician and I must say it was so nice to have a familiar face when all this is going on. She came over and gave me a hug and said "I know you thought you were finished with all of this". I must say, some part of me did think that. The selfish part of me hoped and wished that we would be able to enjoy the remained of his newborn stage without any more big dramatic scenes. Boy was I mistaken! After the x-ray and labs were done I was advised to have Josh come to the office for some moral support. So I put down my "superwomen" mask and called in reinforcements. It's amazing what the presence of my sweet husband will do for me, that and a granola bar I found in the diaper bag dried those tears right up. It amazes me this post partum business is like nothing I've ever experienced before.  I know that this to shall pass but man I wish someone could have given a little warning about this part! Ok, enough about me back to the crummy day. While the lumbar puncture was being preformed we were asked to take a walk. I am so glad we were given those orders. I don't know of a more helpless feeling then having your kiddo handed back to you after such a yucky procedure and he looks at you with tears in his big eyes that seem to say "why'd you let them do that to me". It' s enough to rip your heart out. I'd give anything to make this all go away for him, but God must think all of us are stronger then I give us credit for.

After what seemed like an eternity we were instructed to go straight to the hospital, do not pass go or collect $200. That seems to be a repeated theme with us. So we gathered our items and headed to the hospital. Luckily we were admitted to the hospital in Tyler. It's so much easier on us then being in Dallas. I must confess, after getting settled in our room here I felt out of place.  "That's not how they do it a Medical City" seemed to be a repeated theme as we were getting checked in and settled. I told Josh that I wanted to go "home" (yes, don't worry I was referring to Medical City- after all we did reside there for 12 weeks). We have decided for now to keep Holt here in Tyler. If our stay becomes long term then we will transfer over to Dallas, back "home".  We are very hopeful that this stay will very short and won't need to go back to Medical City.

"Now what?' I know is the question on every one's mind. Today we are resting. Yesterday Holt was stuck more times then I can count. He has a band-aid and scar from being poked from head to toe, literally. They tried probably 8 times to get an IV started and failed. They finally had to go to the last resort and put the IV in his head. I must admit I have never seen or even heard of that being done but it can be and has been. I was relieved that they finally got the IV in but they have taped a cup to his head to protect the IV. I can't help but this how painful it is going to be when they remove all the tape they have stuck on his hair. I have already been warned that he will be bald on that side once all the tape is removed. I'm not so much worried about the hair as I am the act of him becoming bald. This kiddo will be one month old tomorrow and I feel has already been through more then most go though in a life time. But he is such a trouper.

We still don't know exactly what is causing the fever. Last night we had a very rough night. Around 2 am he spiked a fever to 101.0. Fever puts extra stress on the heart which then has a domino effect on so may other things. So we worked to get the fever down and then around 3 he was placed on oxygen to help give his body a break and allow him to get some rest. It's amazing what a little oxygen will do to his mood. He feel asleep and allow me and my mom (who so wonderfully volunteered to stay with me so I could get some kind of rest and allow Josh to go home and sleep so he could work.) to get a small amount of rest. For now we just wait and watch to make sure he don't get another high fever, we still don't know what is causing his breathing problems or his fevers. Please be in pray that the doctors will find the issue and Holt will be restored back to health. We did have an echo preformed yesterday and our cardiologist in Dallas read it and gave us a good report. His heart function has not changed from last week and they are ok with where he is. We have been told that if we feel like we need to be transferred to Dallas then they will not hesitate but all the doctors are in agreement that we are ok here in Tyler for now. I feel that if this is going to be long term or he worsens again tonight then we will consider traning over to "home", but for now we are again playing the waiting game. Lots of sitting around.

I rest assured that this is just part of this sweet kiddo's story but I can't help and wonder when is enough enough? I know that God is good and has everything under control. So I leave him again in the best place that I know of. In the hands of our mighty and wonderful creator and maker who spoke us into being and loves us more then we can comprehend. It's so reassuring knowing that I don't have to worry about our tomorrows.