Seasons

Josh and I have come to a bitter sweet decision regarding my work situation. As of today my job description reads "stay at home mommy". Yikes! It's bitter for me because I have worked with the most incredible group of people who have loved and supported me through this whole situation. I am going to miss spending my days with my friends. Please don't get me wrong, the work part I'm not going to miss, but the people absoulty! I could not have asked for a better place to work during my "working" season but the winds of change are here once again. The sweet part is I am starting a new season, the "mom" season. Really if you think about it nothing is going to change for me and Holt, it's just official now and that my friend is very scary for me. I feel like I am having an identity crisis. Let me explain, all I've ever known since college is Monday-Friday, 8-5 punching a time clock to make money to pay my bills and survive. There's a weird sense of freedom met with sheer panic going on in my brain. On one side it's yelling "freedom!" and on the other (the logical) side it's saying "Are you crazy, one income? You are going to totally rely on another individual to provide for you?" And the answer is "Yes". We are now a one income family and that is also a very scary thought for me. It completely goes against the "independent" part of my being. I know that we will adjust to this one income and someday we are going to look back and wonder how we ever survived with both of us working, but until that day there has been a LOT of chats with the Lord.

I know it's human nature to worry and fret about how we are going to make it from one day to the next and last week I was very human. I struggled with quiting my job.  I resseled with the idea that God might not provide for us. Which if you ask me in insanity talking especially if you look back on the last few months of our lives. He has done nothing but provide for us. So please bear with me here as I walk through my "humanness". On paper one might think we have gone completely nuts by going to one income. Trust me, I have questioned our sanity also. I have had many many conversations with God asking "Are you sure, do you not know what it looks like on paper? Do you know that it's almost a daily occurrence that we receive a hospital bill? Are you not aware we just brought home a kid from the NICU and a total of 12 weeks in the hospital??, You are out of your mind!" Let me just tell you what an incredible patient and wonderful loving God's answer was : "Trust Me." At night after I put Holt in his crib I have started reading from Jesus Calling a little devotional book before I fall asleep. Let me just give you the first line from three different days that I read last week. "Trust Me in the midst of a mess day." was day one. "Demonstrate your trust in me by sitting quietly in My Presence." was day two and last but not least "Living in dependence on me is a glorious adventure." was day three. And if the message was not clear enough every scripture that I read had something to do with not worrying and God's provision.  The scripture  that really hit it home was Luke 12:22 " Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, or what you will wear"  If that's not loud and clear enough then I'm not sure what is. After reading that I knew exactly what we were being called to do. I'm not sure how it could be any clearer. So Josh and I prayed about it and gave it over to the Lord.

The bible story of the boy that had two fish and five loaves of bread has been in my mind lately. I can so very much relate to him. I feel like Josh and I have 2 fish and 5 loaves financially that we have laid at the feet of Jesus, knowing that he can do with us just what he did with that boys lunch. Multiply it and feed 5000 people with it and still have some left over. I know that God still does miracles because sleeping in his crib my child Holt is nothing short of a miracle. He has done it once for our family and he can do it again.

So today and for all my tomorrows I am going to enjoy and be thankful that I have the opportunity to stay home and raise my kiddo. I know that the Lord truly does give you the desires of your heart and I was reminded of that yesterday as I was putting away laundry in Holt's room. I have always desired to be a wife and stay at home mom and yesterday as I was "talking" to Holt about clothes and reminding him of what a miracle he is it hit me, I have been given the desires of my heart! I am a wife to the most incredible man that I could have ever asked for and a mother to the sweetest and cutest miracle God has ever created. So why is it that I find myself struggling to trust that God will provide? Let's face it, I'm human! I'm just grateful that God is so patient with me and my struggles. I know that through this whole experience and all of our tomorrows I am just growing stronger and deeper in my trust in the Lord.

I am reminded of a hymn I grew up singing:
"Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
 just to take Him at His Word.
 Just to rest upon His promise:
and to know, "thus saith the Lord"

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I've proved Him o'er and o'er;
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
Oh, for grace to trust Him more!"

Oh, for grace to trust Him more. I am daily learning this lesson, and until I get it down- well I'm pushing the 'repeat' button to help remind me!