From This to That.

Friday December the 7th I took Holt back to the cardiologist for a 2 month follow up. Every time I sit in the exam room with him while waiting on the echo report I get a lump in my throat and hold my breath a little.  I'm sure you can understand why, once you hear those words "your baby is very sick" it changes the way you wait for results. Dr. Laird came in sat down as normal and began to answer all my questions and listen to my concerns. As usual they are all "normal" new mom concerns but he is always so patient with me as I address my list. Once we'd reached the end of my list he gave us a report that I have no other explanation for then our prayers have been answered. Dr. Laird told us that he is just FLOORED, yup floored the how wonderful his heart looks. He said that the muscle they were concerned about when we found the AS has completely recovered and is normal. It is in the high range of normal but none the less it's normal AND it doesn't even look like the heart he started with. There is still some mild to moderate aortic stenosis but could not be more pleased with how he is doing today. We were able to stop both of his medications for his heart. There were lots tears of joy after this report. It was a moment that the only explanation for this is the Lord has answered our prayers. I can't help but see the Lord every time I look in the smiley face of that kiddo.
I still can't believe that we've gone from this....

2 days old 

to this.... a sweet 5 month old! 

Though it's been a long journey but it's one I wouldn't change for anything. Don't get me wrong I've had my moments. Those moments of "I just can't do this anymore" and usually at that moment I see the sweetest smile or hear the cutest laugh and it just melts my heart. It makes those moments where you just want to give up so worth it. I'm sure any new mom would agree with me that this baby business is hard! Sleep deprivation is intense and can make you feel like you're losing your mind. There is no selfishness in motherhood and you can kiss your independence good-bye.  I have a much deeper appreciation for mothers now. It's hard to explain and something you'll never understand until you experience it yourself. Being a mother is the most challenging, wonderfully frustrating, fantastic, rewarding adventure I've been on so far and would not change it for the anything!

I want to end with a verse that has gotten me through some pretty scary moments. It was read over Holt the first night we were admitted to the hospital, when the unknown was all we knew. I want to write the whole chapter because it has given me such great comfort during such dark times.
(Psalms 91)

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty
I will say to the Lord. MY refuge and my fortress,
My God in whom I trust.
For it is He who delivers you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers ,
and under His wings you will find refuge;
His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of the night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

If you say, "The Lord is my refuge"
and you make the Most High your dwelling.
No harm will overtake you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you
 to guard you in all your ways.
they will lift you up in their hands.
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone...

"Because he loves me" says the Lord, "I will rescue him;
 I will protect him for he acknowledges my name.
He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.

And here is the big finally that I have prayed over Holt more then I can even count, it's my peace during the scariest moments of uncertainty.... I know this is the promise for this sweet kiddo.

With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation."

There is a christmas song that I've heard a million times but for some reason there is a line that has just stuck with me. "Until my head agrees my heart is on it's knees" so powerful. May I be a mom and a wife who's heart is always on it's knees. I will forever and always claim this promise over Holt...."with long life You will satisfy him and show him your salvation." What a story this kiddo is going to have to tell someday. I can't wait to see the rest of it unfold.

Merry Christmas!

Out with the Old, On with the New

Crazy doesn't even being to touch the surface of how our world has been lately. I know it's been a while since I've posted so hang on I'm going to do my best to let you in on our lives these days. Since we've last talked we've had one ambulance ride (which resulted in a hospital night stay in Dallas), a GREAT report at the cardiologist appointment, 2 road trips, a couple of milestones in Holt's life and this just in, a new job for Josh! It's enough to make your head spin. Don't worry I will explain everything in this list. First things first, on the 9th Holt was three months old. I can't help but be overwhelmed with gratitude when I think of where we have come from to where we are now. I am amazed when I hold my little miracle that we have actually made it to 3 months, especially when I think back on the day when my world stood still and Josh and I were told that our sweet baby was very sick. God is so good and he has answered our prayers in such a mighty way. I'm going to jump a head and give you the latest update from our cardiology appointment. We had an echo on September 28th and our normal visit with our doctor, or so I thought. Dr. Laird entered the room and started asking how we were doing and asking about all my concerns from the last visit. He put Holt on the table and started watching him breath and answered more of my questions. Of course, my heart sank because he hadn't mentioned the echo yet and I just assumed that he was going to drop a bomb on us about the condition of Holt's heart. He did drop a bomb but it was a WONDERFUL report. He told us that there has been significant improvement in the functioning of his heart. He said that muscle in the ventricle is recovering well and his heart has shrunk in size. He told us he is very very pleased with his progress and feels comfortable with letting us come back in 2 months.  After we left his office I felt like I could exhale a little more knowing that our prayers have been answered in such a mighty way. God is so good!

This cardiology appointment was a follow up to our surprise hospital stay. Around 4:00 am on Sunday morning I was awoken by the sound of Holt crying in the monitor. I watched the monitor before getting out of bed to see if he would calm down and go back to sleep. Of course he did after a couple minutes but I was awake and my attempts to fall back asleep were unsuccessful. So I brilliantly decided to feed Holt since I was already awake in hopes of sleeping a little later. Boy was that a mistake! I started to feed Holt and he was very figidity. His was moving constantly, extending his neck and moving his arms and legs. I gave up on feeding him because he would not stop moving. It was more then normal and his breathing was rapid and different the normal. So I put him back in his crib hoping he would calm down. My plan just did not work. I woke Josh up and told him to watch Holt in the monitor. He became concerned and went to his room to pick him up and try to calm him down. After 30 minutes of trying I finally became very concerned and called the on call cardiologist. She became concerned because we were concerned and sent us to the ER. So off we went. The rest of the morning was kind of a blur. We got to the ER and they did a chest x-ray and that was the same as the previous one. The ER doctor called the cardiologist and she told him to send us her way. They explained to us that they are airing on the side of caution with him because with heart disease it could be something or it could be nothing. So with in a matter of 2 minutes there was a swarm of nurses getting Holt prepped for our transportation to Medical City. We were packed up and started out on our first ambulance ride. Once we got to Medical City we were taken to an isolation room where a respiratory therapist was standing in the room. She started listening to Holt and confirmed my fears with his breathing. She diagnosed him with nose buggers. Yes, that's right all this fuss for buggers. Don't get me wrong I would take that any day over heart problems, but it was the last thing I wanted to do that day. They kept us over night for observation and sent us home the next day.  So you can understand why I am sleeping better after our great report at the cardiologist, besides the obvious.

As for the other items on my list, well we took much needed family get-a-way to Beavers Bend for a long weekend and then last week Holt and myself went with my mother to meet my new nephew. We had such a wonderful visit to Midland with our family. While we were in Midland, Josh accepted a position with a new company. He is now a design engineer with Nucor and TODAY was his first day. Which means that we are moving! Yup, that's right- we are putting our house on the market and as soon as it sells we are moving to the metroplex. Josh's job is in Terrell. We really love the Rockwall area. So this week is a week of transition. We worked all weekend to get our house ready and staged to put on the market. We have also decided to live with my parents until our house sells since I stay home and it would be hard to leave at a moments notice with our sweet kiddo.

So that's where we are today. This week we are meeting with a realtor here in Tyler to put our house on the market and then Friday after Josh gets off of work we are going to meet with our other realtor in Dallas to look for houses over there. I know that this is an answer to our prayers and we are very excited about the possibilities with Josh' career. It's is going to be very bitter sweet to leave Tyler, but we are excited to start our new adventure. Will you join me in praying that our house sells fast? Josh has an an hour and a half commuting right now until we move there and I know that that drive is going to get really old if he has to do it for an extend period of time. I know that God is able to do exceedingly more the we can ask or imagine (Eph. 3:20) because I get to care and love on that proof everyday. So we are praying again that he would move the "mountain" in front of us and sell our house.

That my friend is what is going on in our lives today. There is never a dull moment and I am loving every minute!

Seasons

Josh and I have come to a bitter sweet decision regarding my work situation. As of today my job description reads "stay at home mommy". Yikes! It's bitter for me because I have worked with the most incredible group of people who have loved and supported me through this whole situation. I am going to miss spending my days with my friends. Please don't get me wrong, the work part I'm not going to miss, but the people absoulty! I could not have asked for a better place to work during my "working" season but the winds of change are here once again. The sweet part is I am starting a new season, the "mom" season. Really if you think about it nothing is going to change for me and Holt, it's just official now and that my friend is very scary for me. I feel like I am having an identity crisis. Let me explain, all I've ever known since college is Monday-Friday, 8-5 punching a time clock to make money to pay my bills and survive. There's a weird sense of freedom met with sheer panic going on in my brain. On one side it's yelling "freedom!" and on the other (the logical) side it's saying "Are you crazy, one income? You are going to totally rely on another individual to provide for you?" And the answer is "Yes". We are now a one income family and that is also a very scary thought for me. It completely goes against the "independent" part of my being. I know that we will adjust to this one income and someday we are going to look back and wonder how we ever survived with both of us working, but until that day there has been a LOT of chats with the Lord.

I know it's human nature to worry and fret about how we are going to make it from one day to the next and last week I was very human. I struggled with quiting my job.  I resseled with the idea that God might not provide for us. Which if you ask me in insanity talking especially if you look back on the last few months of our lives. He has done nothing but provide for us. So please bear with me here as I walk through my "humanness". On paper one might think we have gone completely nuts by going to one income. Trust me, I have questioned our sanity also. I have had many many conversations with God asking "Are you sure, do you not know what it looks like on paper? Do you know that it's almost a daily occurrence that we receive a hospital bill? Are you not aware we just brought home a kid from the NICU and a total of 12 weeks in the hospital??, You are out of your mind!" Let me just tell you what an incredible patient and wonderful loving God's answer was : "Trust Me." At night after I put Holt in his crib I have started reading from Jesus Calling a little devotional book before I fall asleep. Let me just give you the first line from three different days that I read last week. "Trust Me in the midst of a mess day." was day one. "Demonstrate your trust in me by sitting quietly in My Presence." was day two and last but not least "Living in dependence on me is a glorious adventure." was day three. And if the message was not clear enough every scripture that I read had something to do with not worrying and God's provision.  The scripture  that really hit it home was Luke 12:22 " Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, or what you will wear"  If that's not loud and clear enough then I'm not sure what is. After reading that I knew exactly what we were being called to do. I'm not sure how it could be any clearer. So Josh and I prayed about it and gave it over to the Lord.

The bible story of the boy that had two fish and five loaves of bread has been in my mind lately. I can so very much relate to him. I feel like Josh and I have 2 fish and 5 loaves financially that we have laid at the feet of Jesus, knowing that he can do with us just what he did with that boys lunch. Multiply it and feed 5000 people with it and still have some left over. I know that God still does miracles because sleeping in his crib my child Holt is nothing short of a miracle. He has done it once for our family and he can do it again.

So today and for all my tomorrows I am going to enjoy and be thankful that I have the opportunity to stay home and raise my kiddo. I know that the Lord truly does give you the desires of your heart and I was reminded of that yesterday as I was putting away laundry in Holt's room. I have always desired to be a wife and stay at home mom and yesterday as I was "talking" to Holt about clothes and reminding him of what a miracle he is it hit me, I have been given the desires of my heart! I am a wife to the most incredible man that I could have ever asked for and a mother to the sweetest and cutest miracle God has ever created. So why is it that I find myself struggling to trust that God will provide? Let's face it, I'm human! I'm just grateful that God is so patient with me and my struggles. I know that through this whole experience and all of our tomorrows I am just growing stronger and deeper in my trust in the Lord.

I am reminded of a hymn I grew up singing:
"Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
 just to take Him at His Word.
 Just to rest upon His promise:
and to know, "thus saith the Lord"

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I've proved Him o'er and o'er;
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
Oh, for grace to trust Him more!"

Oh, for grace to trust Him more. I am daily learning this lesson, and until I get it down- well I'm pushing the 'repeat' button to help remind me!

Flexibility

I have learned that flexibility is essential to our survival with this kiddo. I'm sure it's essential with any new baby but I feel it is especially with mine. This past week I put into practice this valuable lesson. Last Friday, Holt was scheduled to be circumcised in Dallas at a pediatric urology clinic. We have had the hardest time getting this done in Tyler because he was not born here and they won't touch him until he is at least 1 years old. Even then he would have to be admitted to the hospital and put to sleep to have the procedure. I would like to avoid the hospital as much as possible so I was not to keen on that idea.  Holly (the cardio NP) told me that they have many heart/NICU babies that this happens to and gave me name of this group. So I called them up and scheduled the procedure while it can still be done in the office. They do this in the office while he is under 10 pounds. Which is perfect for us because  at the time Holt was weighing in at 8 pounds 11 ounces.

Thursday afternoon I packed the car up and we headed to Dallas to spend the night with a dear friend of mine from college. Before I left I had noticed that Holt was sounding a little congested and wheezing a little bit but I just chalked it up to my paranoia and trucked on down the road. When we got to my friends house that afternoon I feed this lil guy and he threw up the whole bottle. Then of course I started to get worried! He was feeling warm and still breathing funny, but again I just thought I was being paranoid. We had a wonderful afternoon just catching up and letting our boys meet each other. That evening he threw up his 6 o'clock bottle and then again at 9 o'clock. He was feeling very warm so I took his temperature and it was 99.6. Which to any normal baby that is not that bad of a fever, but for a kiddo who just 2 weeks before started out with a low grade fever and with in 24 hours was hospitalized due to fever, well let's just say it had his mommy concerned. He was also showing some symptoms that they had told me to watch for, so I did as instructed and called the on call cardiologist. After explaining what was going on my instructions were to give him Tylenol and keep checking his temperature. If it went to 101.0 or greater then it was off to the emergency room at Medical City for us. Dr. Laird told us to call him in the morning and let him know how he was doing. That night was a long night for us, because my sweet baby just did not feel good. He slept very well all and most of the night until about 3 am. After feeding him I rocked him back to sleep and tried to put him in the pack-n-play, but he just did not want to be put down. So I held him for the remainder of the night.

The next morning I called Dr. Laird as soon as the office opened and told him not much had changed. I was told to come in as soon as I could get there to be checked out. So off to the dr. office we went. On the way I cancelled the appointment with the urologist, which is why we originally came down there. At that moment I realized that there is never going to be a dull moment with this child, and that's ok because I've never been one to take the easy road and I'm afraid my child is following suit. At the cardiologists we had an EKG and an Echo to rule out this was a heart problem. Praise the Lord it was just "normal baby stuff". We were given an excellent report! His heart function has improved more from the last echo we had done at the office on Aug. 1st and though his heart is still enlarged it is smaller in size. Praise the Lord for some good news! I will take a sick kid any day of the week as long as his heart is functioning properly. We were asked to stay in town for the weekend just in case we needed to be hospitalized if his fever got higher or his breathing worsened.  On a funny side note, Holt was wheezing and grunting and coughing all evening, night and morning but as soon as we got to the Dr's office, he was perfectly fine! I just laughed, because it would happen like that. I'm sure Dr. Laird thinks I need to spend a few days in the loony bin, or at least I felt that way. Sweet Holly (the NP) came into check on us before we left the office and she reassured me that they don't think I'm loony. I will forever be grateful for what she said to me. She told me that being a new mom in itself will make you feel like you're a little crazy but add something to it like a heart problem and it for sure make you feel like you're going insane. She reassured me that I am doing a great job and they are so very impressed with his progress and extremely pleased with where we are today. I am so thankful for her! I felt a little less loony after talking to her.

Before we left the office we were given symptoms to watch for and asked to hang around the metroplex for a couple of days to make sure he gets better before he head back to Tyler. And that is exactly what we did. Josh came in town after work on Friday and we stayed with our friends for the weekend. Though Holt did not feel good we had such a wonderful weekend! There is nothing like spending time with wonderful friends, it does wonders for the soul. Sunday afternoon we came back to Tyler. Holt hasn't run fever since Saturday evening and he is just a happy, healthy for now baby. My prayer now is that we can make it 3 weeks without getting sick. I've decided to take it one week at a time and consider it a small victory that 1. we weren't hospitalized again for the fever and 2. that we made it two weeks before we got sick again. So here's to making it 3 weeks.

As far as the circumcision, well my sweet boy weighs 9 pounds 1 ounce and if he keeps putting on the weight like he has been then he will be too big for the procedure in the office. I have rescheduled the appointment for September 4, when we go back to Dallas for another check up with the cardiologist.  If he is over 10 pounds then we will just have a consult at the urologist and wait until he is 4-6 months to have the procedure. And of course, we will have to be hospitalized for this procedure. If he is under 10 pounds then we can have the procedure done that day. I am not holding my breath that we will be under 10 pounds and I am not looking forward to another hospital stay,   I keep reminding myself that it could be worse. I am thankful we are where we are today. I know it is only by the grace of a mighty God that Holt is where he is today!

I have a motto that I try to live by and it applies so well for our tomorrows: "Blessed are the flexible for the will not break" So here's to flexibility!

Readjust

So I started this blog last Thursday, needless to say I haven't figured out how updating this blog fits into our route. I promise I will figure it out before Holt is in college ;) just be a little patient with me until I get the hang of this new mom stuff.


We made it home again! Well, we've been home from the hospital for one week tomorrow. I must admit this last hospital stay was much harder then any of the 12 weeks that we were at Medical City.  I know that sounds crazy, I've even thought how bazaar that sounds myself, but the only explanation I have for it is that I could see physically that Holt was sick. While we were at Medical City he was sick but looked like a healthy little baby. Not so much with this stay. I am so thankful for my family. I don't know what I would have done without them. Tuesday night my mom stayed with me and I am so thankful that she did! That was the hardest night for us because Holt was still running fever and not feeling good at all! Then Josh stayed with me the next night and Thursday night my sweet SIL was called in for "Mommy duty" and she stayed the night and let Josh and I go home and get an uninterrupted nights sleep. A good nights rest does wonders for the body and mind! I came back up to the hospital rested and feeling a little more confident that we were going to make it though this hospitalization ok! And that we did.

Friday we were sent home, again! They aren't really sure what caused our little miracle to have a fever because all of the million tests they ran on him came back normal, Praise the Lord- they were testing for some pretty scary stuff, in my opinion. Heart disease I can handle but heart disease and something else- God and I were going to have a little chat. But thankfully we didn't have to go down that road. All they could tell us is they found some bacteria in his urine, but it's a unique kind so they classified it as a UTI but not your normal UTI. The bacteria that was growing is found on the skin so the only thing they could think of is this came from the cath. he had placed in the NICU for the heart cath. procedure. Man was I glad to hear that's all it was!

The weekend was pretty uneventful except for a couple of sleepless nights (but that's nothing new) On Sunday my mom volunteered her babysitting services so that Josh and I could go to church. We gladly excepted the offer because we haven't been able to go to church since before I was hospitalized. Even though we haven't been to church in what has felt like an eternity I feel like I have grown so much closer to the Lord. I  know what you're thinking, well of course silly look what you've just been through!  My music has been my life line these days. I have had better times of worship while in my car then I have ever had in a corporate setting. Which kinda sounds a bit crazy to me, but it reminded me that worship can be anywhere at anytime. It doesn't have to be limited to a church building with a music minister singing hymns. Don't get me wrong that's a great thing and there is something special about worshiping with fellow believers, but it's not limited to just there. Well that's my ramble for the day! All that to say this experiences has opened my eyes and changed my way of how I worship.

This week has been a week of adjustments to say the least. Now that I have been able to catch my breath from the events of the past couple of months I have done a lot of processing. When you're in the middle of a situation "survival" mode kicks in and you do anything you can to make it through. Now that we're home I feel like that mode has shut off and we can relax for a moment. It has given me lots of time to process. Which can be a good or bad thing. This is going to sound strange but I've just started realizing the reality of what all we went through. Call it what you want but I think my mind was in shock for a while and then drugged (which I am thankful for) and now that I am back in my right mind I've had lots of freak-out moments. The verse that is on repeat in my head is "Trust in the Lord with all your heart". This has a whole new meaning to me. I keep telling myself "Trust in the Lord with all his heart" I feel as though I am in constant prayer giving my fears to the Lord. I know that the doctor's wouldn't have let us go from the hospital if they weren't confident that for right now Holt's heart is ok. And in fact the report we got on Tuesday from our visit to the cardiologist was that his heart has improved a little more. It is still enlarged but the ventricul has shown more improvement. Which is music to a mother's ears. I can't help but keep in the back of my mind that is heart is still not perfect. When we were in the hospital in Tyler the doctor that we were seeing came in after the echo was done and said "Man, this kid's heart is a mess!" I'm sorry but there are certain things that I do and don't need to hear and the fact that my child's heart is not perfect and worse a mess is one of them! I understand that we have issues but really to come in and say that it's a mess does nothing productive!

I wanted to walk Holt right out of the hospital right then and there! But after calming myself down and thinking rationally we stayed. Ever since then I haven't been able to get that out of my mind. That is one thing that I realize and am so grateful for this group of cardiologists that are treating my sweet boy. They have given us just enough information to allow Josh and I to feel informed but they have leaving out the details like "your kids heart is a mess". Really it does nothing productive. Just when I thought I couldn't handle this anymore, Holly the wonderful NP with this group called to check on us and allow me to express all my fears. I can't tell how wonderful it is to have her. She gives me the facts in a simple way that I can understand and is always reassuring.

Fast forward today. I am doing much better! I had a "slap in the face moment" this past Sunday at church. I was asked how we are doing and I told them that Holt's ok and I'm a mess. The response i got was harsh but I needed to hear it. "You had such great faith when y'all were in the hospital, what happened to it?" My first response was "You sit in a doctors office and be told that your child might be having heart failure and tell me you wouldn't be a mess!" But I didn't have much to respond back after that. I know it's new mom stuff but I am still trying to figure out what is "normal baby" and what is "heart baby" Here is a good example of what I mean. When we were at his check up with the cardiologist we were given a good report but after that the dr. said he is concerned that Holt is showing signs of heart failure or it could be acid reflux- because naturally they are the same symptoms. He wasn't really concerned because he was breathing normal and wasn't showing signs of distress. So he said "we'll touch base with you on Thursday and see how he's doing. If he hasn't improved any then we would do further testing to see what was going on." Then he ended with: "If everything is ok on Thursday then we'll see him back in a month, have a good day!"

And out the door he went! I was left there holding a kid that might or might not be in heart failure and I'm suppose to just go home?  Needless to say we had a couple of rocky days. I freaked out about the smallest movements. Friday morning I called Lindsey, my wonderful SIL, crying because I thought there was something wrong with his breathing. She dropped everything and come rushing over. Thank goodness her and my brother live only 2 minutes away. After her assessment and my calming down we decided that it was just gas.  I don't know what I would do with out her, I think the cardiologist need to pay her because she has saved them a lot of freaking out phone calls.

Sunday after church I really started digesting what was said to me that morning. I am so guilty of not trusting that Holt's heart is going to be ok. I keep forgetting that the Lord has everything under control and worrying about it does nothing but cause lack of sleep. I would like to blame sleep deprevation for the whole thing but when I am honest with myself I did need to completely give it over to the Lord. So that's what I did. I am happy to say that we are both doing good! Holt is sleeping in his crib and last night he only woke up once. Which makes for a more happier mommy in the morning. We have determined that is acid- reflux that was causing the symptoms and we have been put on medication to help with it. Heart disease can cause acid reflux  and i would take acid reflux anyday of the week over heart failure. I feel like we have taken a turn for the better! I am relaxing more and learning to enjoy every moment I get with this sweet boy. He is growing up way to fast for me!
I must end this now and go feed this kiddo- he's getting grumpy! Thank you for your continued prayers for our family as we adjust to our "normal" home life. I promise I will do much better at updating this blog.

Home Sweet Home-- or so I thought

Well we have made it through our first week at home and were just starting to get adjusting to life at home. Last Monday we went and met our pediatrician and on Wednesday we went back to Dallas for an appointment with the cardiologist. We had such a great report from that visit. Holt's heart is still stable and they are pleased with his progress. The rest of the week was lots of sleeping and enjoying our time at home. We were given a 2 week follow up with the cardiologist and are just watching until they feel like it is time for another intervention.

Our adjusting and enjoyment of home came to a screeching stop yesterday morning. On Monday I had noticed that we were becoming a little more fussier then normal. I just chalked it up to what I thought was acid reflux. We were given a medication to help with that and thought everything was just grand. At 3 am on Tuesday morning we awoke for feeding time and I noticed that Holt was feeling a little warm. I changed him from the jammies he was wearing to a onsie in hopes that would cool him off. I took his temperature and it was 98.9. I was glad there was no fever and went on about my business. Holt never really went back to sleep, just fussed  until 6 when it was time for more food. At 6 I noticed that he had not cooled off any and in fact felt much warmer. I took his temp. again, this time it was 100.1. And that's how are crummy day started. I called and got an appt. with the pedi dr. thinking we'd get some meds and be send on our merry way home. Boy was i mistaken. I am so glad that our doctor airs on the side of caution. While in the office we had labs drawn, blood cultures were done to rule out infection in the blood, chest x-ray to make sure he didn't have pneumonia and last but not least a lumbar puncture (otherwise known as a spinal tap).

When you're going on a very small amount of sleep the world seems much harder to deal with and add hunger to the mix and you have a recipe for disaster. While all this was going on I just sat in the office with tears streaming down my face. My sister-in-laws sister is the nurse for our pediatrician and I must say it was so nice to have a familiar face when all this is going on. She came over and gave me a hug and said "I know you thought you were finished with all of this". I must say, some part of me did think that. The selfish part of me hoped and wished that we would be able to enjoy the remained of his newborn stage without any more big dramatic scenes. Boy was I mistaken! After the x-ray and labs were done I was advised to have Josh come to the office for some moral support. So I put down my "superwomen" mask and called in reinforcements. It's amazing what the presence of my sweet husband will do for me, that and a granola bar I found in the diaper bag dried those tears right up. It amazes me this post partum business is like nothing I've ever experienced before.  I know that this to shall pass but man I wish someone could have given a little warning about this part! Ok, enough about me back to the crummy day. While the lumbar puncture was being preformed we were asked to take a walk. I am so glad we were given those orders. I don't know of a more helpless feeling then having your kiddo handed back to you after such a yucky procedure and he looks at you with tears in his big eyes that seem to say "why'd you let them do that to me". It' s enough to rip your heart out. I'd give anything to make this all go away for him, but God must think all of us are stronger then I give us credit for.

After what seemed like an eternity we were instructed to go straight to the hospital, do not pass go or collect $200. That seems to be a repeated theme with us. So we gathered our items and headed to the hospital. Luckily we were admitted to the hospital in Tyler. It's so much easier on us then being in Dallas. I must confess, after getting settled in our room here I felt out of place.  "That's not how they do it a Medical City" seemed to be a repeated theme as we were getting checked in and settled. I told Josh that I wanted to go "home" (yes, don't worry I was referring to Medical City- after all we did reside there for 12 weeks). We have decided for now to keep Holt here in Tyler. If our stay becomes long term then we will transfer over to Dallas, back "home".  We are very hopeful that this stay will very short and won't need to go back to Medical City.

"Now what?' I know is the question on every one's mind. Today we are resting. Yesterday Holt was stuck more times then I can count. He has a band-aid and scar from being poked from head to toe, literally. They tried probably 8 times to get an IV started and failed. They finally had to go to the last resort and put the IV in his head. I must admit I have never seen or even heard of that being done but it can be and has been. I was relieved that they finally got the IV in but they have taped a cup to his head to protect the IV. I can't help but this how painful it is going to be when they remove all the tape they have stuck on his hair. I have already been warned that he will be bald on that side once all the tape is removed. I'm not so much worried about the hair as I am the act of him becoming bald. This kiddo will be one month old tomorrow and I feel has already been through more then most go though in a life time. But he is such a trouper.

We still don't know exactly what is causing the fever. Last night we had a very rough night. Around 2 am he spiked a fever to 101.0. Fever puts extra stress on the heart which then has a domino effect on so may other things. So we worked to get the fever down and then around 3 he was placed on oxygen to help give his body a break and allow him to get some rest. It's amazing what a little oxygen will do to his mood. He feel asleep and allow me and my mom (who so wonderfully volunteered to stay with me so I could get some kind of rest and allow Josh to go home and sleep so he could work.) to get a small amount of rest. For now we just wait and watch to make sure he don't get another high fever, we still don't know what is causing his breathing problems or his fevers. Please be in pray that the doctors will find the issue and Holt will be restored back to health. We did have an echo preformed yesterday and our cardiologist in Dallas read it and gave us a good report. His heart function has not changed from last week and they are ok with where he is. We have been told that if we feel like we need to be transferred to Dallas then they will not hesitate but all the doctors are in agreement that we are ok here in Tyler for now. I feel that if this is going to be long term or he worsens again tonight then we will consider traning over to "home", but for now we are again playing the waiting game. Lots of sitting around.

I rest assured that this is just part of this sweet kiddo's story but I can't help and wonder when is enough enough? I know that God is good and has everything under control. So I leave him again in the best place that I know of. In the hands of our mighty and wonderful creator and maker who spoke us into being and loves us more then we can comprehend. It's so reassuring knowing that I don't have to worry about our tomorrows.

New Beginnings

I have decided I am not very good at this blog thing. I have been thinking about blogging for a few days now and every time I think about it I am never around a computer. I had a few minutes this evening so I wanted to update everyone.  This week has been such a great week! Last Thursday we were told that if the echo done on Saturday looked good then we would be going home on Monday. Sunday afternoon the NICU doctor came in and told us that Holt's blood pressure is too low (due to the medications we are going home on) and they need another week to tweak his medications. I'm not going to lie I was very disappointed to say the least. Don't get me wrong, I am so glad we are getting such good care that they will take the time to adjust the medication and give us extra time to work on feeding, but I am beyond ready to live in Tyler again. So here were are, still in Dallas. Holt is doing wonderful. I love sitting in the NICU and holding him. We have been working on feeding and Holt is such a champ. He is doing great with the bottle feedings. We are having to add 8 calories and fat to every bottle for him to gain weight. They have removed the feeding tube from his nose because he is feeding every time with the bottle.

As far as what is next for us, well the cardiologist came in today and said that if the echo looks good tomorrow the we can go home to Tyler on Friday! Oh, how I pray the echo is stable so we can go home! If it is then Josh and I will "room in" at the hospital tomorrow night and spend the night together with Holt to make sure we are comfortable with the medications and feedings before we head home. Once we are in Tyler we will see our pediatrician on Monday and come back to Dallas on Wednesday for a follow up with the cardiologists and then we will be seen weekly in Tyler there after that.

So the new question is what does the future hold? The doctors have said they can not be more pleased with how well Holt is doing. I can't help but be amazed with the mercy God has shown on our family. He has answered our prayers and has done "more then we can ask or imagine".  The Norwood procedure is off the table for us. His left ventricle is going to recover and has recovered for that matter. We were told that the heart cath was only a temporary fix, but temporary could be 4 months or it could be 5-10 years. Holt will have to have more intervention at some point in his life but our prayer is that we can wait until he's much older. The procedure now that they are talking to us about is called the Ross procedure. They haven't gone into much details about it but just wanted to put the name in our brains. From what I understand it's basically where they replace the aortic valve with a pulmonary valve and use a mechanical valve as a replacement for the pulmonary valve. And surprisingly it's a much simpler surgery. Of course we will be given more information when it's time for the procedure. I am just so thankful that we are able to take him home and get him as old as we possibly can before the surgery. 
We will have weekly follow ups to the cardiologist for a long time, then they will lengthen our leash to 2 weeks and someday a long time from now I was told that one of the cardiologist will get brave enough to let us go for one month before coming back for a follow up. I told them I am ok with coming weekly! So between them and our pediatrician it sounds like we will be in the doctors offices a lot! But I don't even mind because we will be home!

I feel like this chapter in our journey is closing and another one is beginning. It has been a long time coming and I know it will take sometime to process all that has really happened. I feel like the last couple of weeks I have been on autopilot. Just doing what we can to make it through. I am so ready to be in my own home and get into a routine, to find our new normal.

Today on my way to the hospital I thought what a sweet day it is going to be when Holt plays his first sport. It brought a tear to my eye thinking about how faithful God has been through this whole process and how far we've come. I now understand more " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" I know that it is nothing but the strength of God that has gotten us through all of this.

 I feel like I am so scatterbrained these days and I'm sure it's reflects in my writing. My brain hurts. I am so overwhelmed by the love and support we have received during the 12 weeks we have been in the hospital. I know we owe so many people "thank yous".  I've tried to keep up with my thank you notes but I've decided I am not superwomen and I am learning I can only do so much with my time during the day. Please know that Josh and I are so very grateful for the encouragement, love and support that was poured on us. We have truly seen Jesus in so many ways. He has provided in ways I can't even begin to list. Thank you for being Jesus to us!

I can't wait for the day when we have the conversation with Holt about his heart. I can't wait to tell him how God healed his heart. I can't wait to tell him about all the love we received while we were in the hospital and how many people prayed for him. I can't wait to tell him that God has such big plans for his life.

I will update when I can about our transition home and how we are adjusting to our new normal. Please pray for us as we do make our way home. It comes with mixed emotions. I think taking him home is going to be another test of our trust in the Lord. We won't have any monitors telling us his heart is still beating. We just have to trust that his heart is still beating without hearing it. I've gotten so use to a machine. It's going to be an adjustment for sure to not have a monitor around.

Thank you for your prayers, I know the Lord has answered our prayer and I will forever be thankful for the miracle he has preformed.

To God be the glory for great things he has done!

1 Week

I cannot believe it's been a week since our sweet boy was born. Let me tell you it's been a week! It has felt like it's been a month! Since my last post we have had some great news! I'm going to go day by day because there has been so much happen I don't want to forget anything (sorry this part is more for my benefit so I can have it documented).

Friday was an emotionally tough day. I got to leave the hospital and I can say that I was excited about that but I was not ready to leave Holt. You know as a new parent it's hard to leave your new baby after 4 days. Let's just say I cried a lot! We left the hospital around noon and went to Target to get my pain medication and some blankets and mittens for Holt to have while in the NICU. Then we went to the house where I will be staying for the rest of the time that I am here. We are so blessed to have such wonderful family friends that have opened their home to us while we are here in Dallas. After getting settled in we of course went straight back up to the hospital. Holt is doing great! I got to change his diaper and take his temperature. I'm sure the nurse thought I was crazy because I got so excited about changing a diaper. Of course when you go from no contact with your baby to changing a diaper you will take any chance you can get. All day Friday they were slowly taking Holt off the pain medication to allow him to wake up so they could take him off the breathing machine. It took a little longer then they expected because he was just as happy as could be sleeping. (something he gets from me of course, I love sleep! )  Thursday they closed his PDA and he did great! They watched him closely on Friday and they were very please with how he was responding and the function of his heart.

Saturday we came into a great surprise. Holt was breathing on his own! He has a nasal cannula to help him breath until he gets the hang of breathing. Saturday  Holt learned how to suck on a pacifier. He loves the pacifier. We are teaching him how to suck on the paci while he his being feed. We are feeding right now through the feeding tub in his nose. Once his breathing slows down to normal then we will start bottle feeding until I can hold him then the next step will be breast feeding. He also opened his eyes on Saturday for a few seconds. He has such wonderful blue eyes!

Sunday I got to place my arms under Holt's head and legs. It was the closest I have been to holding him and I was in heaven! I haven't been able to hold him because of all the lines he has in him but the sweet nurse took pity on me and let me semi-hold him! Oh what a wonderful day it will be when I can finally hold that sweet baby in my arms! But for now I am just over joyed when he holds my finger.

Today has been a wonderful day! My sister in law came in town to help drive me around and help while I still recover from my c-section. This morning when we walked in Holt's room he was wrapped in a blanket and sucking on his pacifier. It was the sweetest cuties thing I'd ever seen!! And of course the first thing we did was grab the camera and take a million pictures. Holt today was very awake and alert. It was so fun to watch him lay there looking around the room.

I mean how could you not stare at that face all the time?  It is so fun to watch him discover the world around him. While we were there this morning the cardiologist came in and we had such a great report! He said they could not be more pleased with how good Holt is doing. He went on to say that they feel like it's highly likely that the cath. procedure will be enough for a while to get Holt older before he will need other intervention. He said more intervention is inevitable but when we will just have to watch. It could be a 4 months or it could be 5 or 10 years old. Of course that will only come with time. He also said that his left vent. is pumping better. We were told a percentage today and I cannot tell you exactly what it is for but I'm going to share it because it's wonderful. I think it has to do with pumping. When we were first seen the left vent function was at 3% today it's at 18%! A normal heart his size is between 22-46%.... if that's not a miracle I'm not sure what is! I can't help but see the Lord every time I look at Holt's sweet face. He is our little miracle. We still have a couple more weeks here in the hospital but everyday that we are there gets better then the day before.

I know that the news we heard today is only because of the grace of God and the mercy he has shown on our sweet boy. So thank you for standing with me and Josh in prayer for our little guy. I can't wait for the day when he is old enough for me to share with him what God has done for him and the miracle he already has been. Don't worry I already tell him that every time I see him but someday he will understand. As for what is next, we are just watching. Everyday they take away a different medication and Holt is doing great.

As for now please continue to pray for Holt's heart to continue getting better and better. Also for Josh and myself. It was very hard for him to leave and go back to work today. He has been so wonderful! My emotions are all over the place and he has been so understanding and my rock during this time. At any given moment I can burst into tears and he just sweetly takes my hand and lets me know that it's all ok. He even stayed in Dallas last night and got up early today to drive back to Tyler. I am blessed beyond belief to have him as my husband. I could not have asked for a better one! He will be back on Thursday night but it is not easy having him be so far away. I know we are going to be stronger from this experience and someday we will be able to live as a family under one roof someday but it's just not easy while you're in the middle of it.

Thank you for your prayers and encouragement. They are so needed!



Cautiously Optimistic

It has been a whirlwind of a week so far! Our emotions have been up and down and sometimes feel like we are on a merry-go-round! I wanted to give an update since it's been a couple of days. First I wanted to say thank you! For all the facebook messages, comments, and texts. I wish I could respond to everyone but I just don't have the brain power yet but know that I appreciate the support and encouragement.

Yesterday was definitely an up and down day emotionally. Tuesday night was a tough night for Holt. The cath. procedure went great and bless his little heart he is a fighter. We were told he started "shunting" through the PDA vessile (the vessile he was born with that they have been keeping open with medication).  We are hopeful that after the PDA closes this problem will resolve.  There is still talk about when we are going to close the PDA, the are not wanting to rush the process and want to allow his heart to heal from the cath. procedure.

Dr. Day (cardiologist) came yesterday afternoon and gave us an update. He said he is very pleased with the progress we've made. We talked about the first time he saw us the left vent. muscle was not moving at all and now it's moving. After the cath. the pressures in the vent. went from really high to almost normal! That's a small victory that we are rejoicing about. We also talked about 3 different roads we can go down, but won't know for a couple more days. Right now they are just watching him very closely. He did say that we are over the hurdle of "emergency surgery", though the Norwood procedure is still on the table we don't have an emergent need for it anymore. He said that he is cautiously optimistic about Holt.

Josh and I went down for a little while this morning and got another good report. They did an echo this morning and he was taken off the medicine that was keeping the PDA open. Around 3 this afternoon they are going to do another echo to see how he is doing. So far all his stats on the monitors look good and he seems to be tolerating it well. After the echo this afternoon they are going to talk about taking him on the respirator. He is having some pulmonary hypertension, which we have been told is a normal reaction to all that he is going through. They are giving him medication to help control that and the worse case senerio is we will have to be on the medication when we go home.

Last night they started feeding him with breast milk. He is tolerating it very well and this morning they increased the amount they are giving him. He was not urinating so on Tuesday night they placed a cath. in to help him urinate. This morning they have taken it out and he was placed on Lasix to help him start to urinate and also he is having fluid retention and this will help keep that low.

We don't have the report from the echo performed this morning but the cardio NP stopped by while we were in the NICU and she said she doesn't know much about the results but Dr. Laird has said it was good, but will come explain in detail to us this afternoon. 

Right now Josh and I are in my room resting, I am having a good day today. We got a good nights sleep last night and have been resting a lot today. They are planning on discharging me tomorrow sometime. Which I am excited about but know it's going to be an adjustment to live outside a hospital. I'm sure I'll figure out how!

Thank you for your prayers and encouragement. We are by no means anywhere close to out of the woods but it's a good day!

The Results

The doctor came up a few minutes ago and let us know that the heart cath went tremendously well. He said that Holt's heart is already beginning to look less stressed and enlarged. He was very optimistic that the procedure seems to have had a successful result. It looks like the left ventricle is beginning to pump a little. Holt will remain anesthetized and on a ventilator today, but they will soon be moving him from the cath lab back to NICU. God is so good!

The Procedure

This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it! We are rejoicing in the Lord because Holt remained stable through the night! He is a fighter, though he is not fairing quite as well today as he did yesterday.

Right now, Holt is being prepped for his heart cath procedure. The process should take anywhere from 1 1/2 to 3 hours. Honestly, this procedure is quite risky. There are a multitude of risk factors involved, some as bad as you can possibly imagine.

In the procedure, a tiny balloon will be inserted into Holt's aortic valve, which is currently not opening sufficiently. The best scenario is that when the valve is opened, the left ventricle will begin pumping correctly, resulting in a normal 4 chamber heart. The doctor was quick to say that we will NOT be able to immediately tell whether or not the cath worked. Instead, we will probably see Holt get sicker from the stress of the procedure before he gets better. Then, in a few days, we'll know whether the cath was successful or if Holt will need a greater intervention (surgery).

If the procedure is 100% successful, Holt will likely be in the hospital around 2 weeks.

Please pray that the cath is successful and without negative side effects.

Lauren has been up walking, but the effects of her epidural haven't yet worn off. She continues to feel quite sleepy.

Please pray for a speedy recovery for her body.

Josh is a trooper. He is quietly attending to all of his family's needs. What a blessing that is to watch!

Keep praying!

A few pictures...

Holt Ludlow Littlefield is HERE!

Holt Ludlow Littlefield

6 pounds, 14 ounces

19 inches

2:01pm (ish)

Mama and Baby are doing fine right now. No immediate emergency. Further testing/monitoring is underway. I'll let you know the results of the testing. Keep those prayers coming. 

It's happening!

They just wheeled Lauren to the OR. They will continue to prep her for the next little bit, so it will still be a while before Holt is here.

Delivery Day!

Good Morning, Family, Friends, and Prayer Warriors!

The day for Holt's arrival has finally come! I'll be updating you on today's events. Lauren and Josh are doing great! They are anxiously waiting to meet their sweet baby. Right now, the c-section is scheduled for 1:00pm. We've heard it's a busy day in labor and delivery, so we are hoping for no delays. Please just continue to pray for this precious family. We are trusting in God's perfect timing and healing hands.

Thank you for surrounding them in prayer!

Lindsey (Lauren's sister-in-law)

Well my friends, the Lord has been faithful again. We have made it to the end of the week, which is 38 weeks of pregnancy. All of my doctors are so pleased that we are at this point. The scans last week were great. Both Echo's look the same as the one done the week before. Friday I had my final sonogram on Friday and Dr. Weiss said that the fluid around his heart that we were concerned about is gone! Thank you Jesus! Holt is a very active kiddo weighing in at 7 pounds 3 ounces and has long legs, which he loves to stretch out on my side and under my rib cage. Oh the joys of running out of room!
This weekend  comes with some bitter/ sweet feelings. Last night we started packing up my room. I never thought I would be so emotional about the thought of being able to leave the hospital but I feel like this place has become my home for the last 8 weeks. Everyday I've had to say good bye to a nurse and some of the doctors that have taken such great care of me. I knew this was only a temporary thing but the wonderful staff here made my stay as enjoyable as possible and I'll just say it. I'm gonna miss this place when we're gone. I'm sure you're thinking that's just crazy talk, but it's weird, 8 weeks is a long time to be anywhere and I finally got a routine down and I feel like it's changing all over again. I know we'll find another route when we get stable in the NICU. But change is just hard. It was hard to adjust to being here, it'll be hard to adjust to the NICU and I know it'll be another adjustment once we get to go to our real home in Tyler.

The other bitter/sweet part to this journey is that we get to finally meet our son, but I know what he is going to have to go through and I have a hard time knowing and knowing there is nothing I can do to make it better. I know it's an early lesson in parenting. I relate very well to music. When I don't have words to express how I feel i can usually find a song that knows exactly what I feel. I have two to share with you. The first is a song from Third Day called " When the Rain Comes"  and it says

It will be alright
No one loves you like I do


I can't stop the rain from falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain, but I will hold you,
I can't stop the rain from falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain, but i will hold you till it goes away

I don't know of a better way to say that to my baby, I can't stop the rain but I can hold him and sit next to him in this storm. I know this is just one of many "storms" in this kiddo's life and isn't that what parents are for? The greatest example we have is our Heavenly Father, he calms the storms, he walked on water and with one word calms our storms.

A good friend of mine shared a song with me by Matt Redman and I feel like it's such a perfect way to end this journey and begin our next journey. It's called "Never Once" and this is the cry and thanksgiving of my heart. It says it in such a perfect way.

Standing on this mountaintop

Looking just how far we've come

Knowing that for every step

You were with us

 

Kneeling on this battle ground

Seeing just how much You've done

Knowing every victory

Is Your power in us

 

Scars and struggles on the way

But with joy our hearts can say

Yes, our hearts can say

 

Never once did we ever walk alone

Never once did You leave us on our own

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace

Evermore we'll be breathing out Your praise

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

 

 

 

Oh how faithful our God is, yesterday, today and forever! That is and will forever be the cry of my heart and oh how sweet is it going to be to tell this story of God's faithfulness to our son someday.

Thank you for your prayers for our family and walking through this journey with us. I know we are far from through this but I know that we are going to be ok because we have never walked alone.

 

I am planning on having someone in my family update my blog as much as possible.

Right now my c-section is scheduled for  1:30 on Monday and from there we are just praying the Lord will sustain and hold Holt's heart to wait until Tuesday to have the heart cath.

We will keep you posted!

 

Thank you for your prayers!

 

D- Day

We have been on an emotional roller coaster to say the least the past couple of days, waiting to see if we were going to meet sweet Holt this week or not. I am happy to say we have one more week. Of course it comes with bitter/sweet feelings. Yes, I am glad that we can wait one more week to allow Holt to get a little bigger, but on the other hand I was hoping that I didn't have another week of waiting. But again I am reminded... It' s just not about me!

So all that to say this afternoon we had an echo and the cardiologist came after reading it. They told us that yes, they see a little bit of fluid build up around the heart but it is not enough to concern them at this time and there has been no change from the echo from last Wednesday.  Which is very good news and they are still pleased with what they are seeing.  What does that mean for this week?  We will be very heavily monitored all week. I have a sonogram tomorrow morning, an Echo again on Thursday and finally a sonogram again on Friday and I will still be hooked on the heart monitor 3 times a day.  If they see significant changes with any of these monitoring then they will put delivery back on the table. 

For now the scheduled c-section date is Monday the 9th. I was told they will put me as top priority that morning over all the other c-sections due to our situation. I do have to say I am relieved to have a set date and this whole "maybe today" out of mind. It will help me rest easy.  

I will update with anything new if it happens, but for now I am enjoying my last week before our lives change yet again. In a good way of course!

Please pray for wisdom for the doctors as they are watching his heart. Pray that we can make it through this week to allow more growth and pray for a peace of mind for me and Josh as we trust these doctors with the guidance they are giving us for the best treatment for our sweet Holt. 


Thank you for your prayers! 

Eventful Morning

We have had an eventful morning already today to say the least! This morning I thought it was "business as usual", I got up walked down the hall for the sonogram. It started as normal. Dr. Weiss and I were conversing about the date they have set for my delivery (which was/is July 9th) and he started the sonogram. He stopped a little longer at Holt's heart and said "humm" Which if you have been in my shoes "humm" is never a good thing. It's enough to make you hold your breath until the thoughts come out of the doctor's mouth. He said that he is seeing a little more fluid build up around the heart then he did on Tuesday. Of course, I knew what that ment because I have been told that as soon as they see the smallest trace of fluid build up it's delivery time. He measured it and said that the fluid has been 2 mm and today it's measuring 5 mm.  He quickly scanned over the rest of the body and told me he was going to  talk with Dr. Thomas (cardiologist) about this and we might be delivering today.  Not what I was expecting at all! And of all times for this to happen it had to be on the one weekend when Josh decided to stay at home last night and come later this morning.

So off down the hall I went, while talking I passed the nurse station and my sweet nurse got the short version of what was going on and walked with me to my room. I was told not to eat or drink anything until we know more (which is one of the worst things you can say to a pregnant gal!) I was hooked up to the monitor and with in 1 minute of being back in my room, the on call OB was standing at the end of my bed. She started to tell me what today would look like if we had to deliver. She said she would come back as soon as she knew anything and let me know where we go from here. About 20 minutes later Dr. Rogers was back in the room and said that we aren't delivering today. She said that the cardiologist were not shocked by this news at all. Which was a weird relief to hear. She said that they are going to come and talk to me this afternoon  and do an Echo on Monday to reasses. She then proceeded to tell me that there has been some change from the sono on Tuesday and Echo on Wednsday but they don't see enough stress on Holt to devliver him just yet. Of course this could change at any minute. They are placing me on the monitors 3 times a day for the weekend instead of my normal 2 times.  Dr. Rogers said they are going to watch the patterns of the heart and if they see a change in his normal patter then they will do a sonogram and delivery could possibly be back on the table again. But for now we just sit and enjoy the weekend.
I am excited about my shower this afternoon, but have decided that maybe showers aren't the best thing for me to plan. Every shower we have had planned some event happens that threatens the postponing of it. But not today! We are going to enjoy the afternoon! I can't wait! It will be such a nice break from reality, especially after such an eventful day like today. 
I'm sure you're thinking where do we go from here... well my friend we are in the "waiting" period again. We could delivery on Monday, next week sometime or Lord willing we might just actually get to the scheduled date of  Monday July 9th. I will try to do my best to either update my blog or facebook with what going on. The good news is I am 37 weeks which they consider full term and he weighs over 6 pounds now. So if we had to deliver this weekend or next week, of course it would not be ideal but we are in the "safe zone" and the doctors are very pleased that we have gotten to this point to allow him to grow!

Through this whole situation I have come to expect the unexpected. You really never know what tomorrow hold! I am just glad that we serve a God who holds our tomorrows in his hands, and "shocked" or "unexpected" are not in his vocabulary. It helps me face all our tomorrows with confidence!

I want to end my post today with a reminder that a dear and wonderful friend encouraged me with today.

"Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am." Phil. 4:13

It's a verse that is so often quoted but it's the Message version and I just love it.- I can make it through ANYTHING in the One who makes me who I am. What a great reminder for my todays! The one who makes me who I am is walking with us through this all.
Please be in pray for our future- we might be meeting our son sooner then anticipated. We will keep you posted!

Sometimes, It's Just Not About Me!

Another week has come and gone! I feel like I have a count down in my head, of course we don't have an exact date of delivery yet- so it's kind of a count down to nowhere but I feel like we are on the home stretch. I am 37 weeks this week and they are talking about delivering me somewhere around 39. So it's just a round the corner. Last weeks scans were great. We are still stable. The echo is still showing the same improvement from a couple weeks ago. The cardiologist that came by last week seemed positive. They are liking what they are seeing on the echos. He told me that at 36 weeks they are considering me full term but they want him to get as big as he can so they are waiting until 39 weeks to deliever. Also studies have shown that delivering before 39 weeks there is a higher risk of learning disabilities and they want to give him the best chance possible for a "normal" life. I agree, heart disease is enough for one little boy. It's conforting to know that if he was delievered before planned we are in the "safe zone".   The sonograms are still looking good. He is weighing 6 pounds and 1 ounce. We are fully expecting him to be 7-7.5 pounds! I was go glad to hear that he is a good size. I know that this good report is only because God is answering our prayers. So thank you for your continued prayer over our family.

As the day draws nearer to meeting our little boy I can help but have mixed emotions. I am so excited to at some point to meet and hold him but I know before we can just be somewhat back to normal living we have a long road ahead. With everyday that passes I become a little more homesick then the day before. I love seeing my family on the weekends and I am so excited to see some of my friends on Friday for my shower, but there is just something about home, ya know. I'm kind of starting to forget what my house even looks like ;) I know that right now I am extra hormonal so add that to the mix and you've got a very strange reciepe for homesickness, oh yes and of course sleep depravision. I've kinda given up on the whole concept of sleep- the nurses on the floor here are so wonderful in letting me "sleep in" as much as I can. Instead of checking on me before 8 they are now waiting for me to call them when I am awake. I am very grateful for that because the best sleep I get these days happens in the morning.

Please don't get me wrong about this post- I am so happy to be where I am (as strange as that sounds) because I know we are getting the very very best care and there is a plan for after his birth. And for that I would sit here for a 1000 weeks if that's what it took to make sure he is safe and gets the very best care possible. It just doesn't make the waiting any easier. Actually, yesterday as I was reflecting over the past couple of weeks I found myself thanking the Lord for this situation. I know what you're thinking- really? you're thankful? and yes, I have come to that place in this journey where I am at peace with everything, and I know no matter what the outcome I will never be forgotten or unloved. If anything I feel like my walk with the Lord has become stronger. I mean how can it not?  I know that through all of this the Lord has and will continure to be glorified and I will walk through whatever he asks because I know he has promised he will never leave us nor forsake us.

I have a story that I was given in yr. high or high school that I carry in my bible and I want to share it with you- I have been reminded of it several times and I find it very fitting for today! I'll give you the short version.
There was a young girl who went rock climbing and when she got to the top of the mountain she lost her contact. After a while of looking for it she sat down on a rock and began to wonder how she is ever going to get down from the top of the mountain. She felt the panic rising in her, so she began to pray. She prayed for calm and that she would find her contact lens. While she was praying she thought of the verse "The eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth" and she continued in prayer " Lord, you can see all these mountains. You know every stone and leaf and You know exactly where my contact lens is. Please help me."
After sitting for a while she got up and slowly made her way down to the bottom of the mountain. On her way down she passed other climbers and one of them yelled "Hey, did anyone loose a contact lens?" 
Well, that would be startling enough. But you know why the climber saw the contact lens? An ant was moving slowly across a twing on the face of the rock, carrying it!
The story doesn’t end there.
This girl's father is a cartoonist. When she told him the incredible story of the ant, the prayer, and the contact lens, he drew a cartoon of an ant lugging that contact lens with the caption:

I love this story because it reminds me that sometimes it's not about me! In my little bubble I often think that life is about me, I can be so selfminded!  I can identify with the ant. Many times I have prayed this prayer the ant prayed. "Lord, I don't know why you want us to carry this thing, I don't understand why you choose us to deal with heart disease. But, if this is what You want for us to do we'll carry it for You."  Sometimes we are asked to "carry" things not for ourselves but for the sake of others. And that's what I keep reminding myself, sometimes it's just not about me and for all other times, I am remined of the verse that says " Give all your worries to Him because He cares for you" . (1 Peter 5:7) 

I am grateful that we have many friends who are walking through this journey with us. I cannot say thank you enough for your prayers and encouragement and walking with me down this road. Please continue to pray for healing but also will you join with me in praying for wisdom for Josh and myself? We are taking on a new role that we have no clue how to do but we are praying we can be the best parents to our sweet boy.

 Also, the doctors have started "preparing" us for what to expect when he delievers. Please pray for our hearts, we have been told the first 48 hours are going to be the hardest. There will be a lot going on and we have been told to expect him to do good one mintue and not good the next and this rollercoaster ride will continue for the first 48 hours until they get him stable. I am already hormonal enough, so I can only imagine what emotions we will feel in the days to come. Also pray that his heart will be strong enough to wait atleast 24 hours after birth before they need to do the heart cath. I could go on and on about things to pray about but we'll start with these. Don't worry I've got atleast 3 weeks of blogging left- so there will be plenty of time for more request!

Our God is a migthy God and I know he still moves mountains!
Thank you for your prayer!

Shower Time!

I have some very sweet friends who want to throw me a little shower while I'm here so I can have at least one "normal" experience before our sweet baby is born. They asked me to post this on the blog. 

I am so blessed to have such wonderful friends!! 

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