So Much Sweeter.

Hello old friend! I know it's been a while since we've talked so I wanted to get you up to speed on our lives. We are starting to get settled into our home here in Forney and could not be more happier! We know without a doubt that this is right where God has called us. It's such a sweet place to be knowing you're right in the middle of God's plan for our family.  Our everyday lives are quiet and boring for the most part and we couldn't ask for more. After the storm of we have endured over the last year I'm loving the quiet boring moments of life more and more. I love the fact that on most occasions I don't have to get dressed up for anything and the majority of my days are spent on the floor in Holt's playroom watching him explore and play with his toys.

I have been reflecting a lot on what we have gone through this past year and still my mind can't comprehend half of it. I heard some lyrics of a song the other day that I feel really puts into words what I have been trying to wrap my brain around. The song said this "life tastes much sweeter when you've looked death in the face". After staring death in the face I have to agree. Our lives have forever been changed because of Holt's heart. Most everyday is just sweeter because I have a sweet little face constantly reminding me of how powerful prayer is. That without the grace and healing power of our Savior Jesus, I wouldn't have a boy to chase around everyday. Some days I have to choke back tears because I am just overwhelmed by the thought of where we've been to where we are now. I'm sure most of my friends and family are sick of hearing about our heart issues (or at least I feel that way sometimes) but I will NEVER get tired of telling the story of our miracle. I think it's because it's all just setting in. I feel like we are in the calm after the storm. Standing amidst the rebel thinking, it could have been so much worst. Picking up the pieces and trying to make since of everything. I hope you're not thinking that I'm being dramatic or that I just need to get over it and move on. Just hang with me as I process everything.

What got me thinking about all of this is,  May 11th has been a year since Josh and I started on this journey. It's a day that I will never forget. I hear the words so clearly that Dr. Day told us that day. "Your baby is very sick". When you go though something as tragic as we've have gone though a "survival mode" kicks in and you do whatever you have to get through it. So now that I feel like I can exhale and relax a little more I have been processing. And the question that I keep asking myself is "How do you say thank you to a God who saved my child?" My friend, I have no answer but to say tell him "Thank you" everyday, but even that I don't feel is enough to express my gratitude for saving our child. He didn't have to, we didn't deserve for our child's live to be spared and his heart to be healed but Jesus heard our cries and healed our child. What an incredible story Holt is going to be able to tell someday. I have and will continue to ask that God does incredible things in Holt's life with this story. I know that He has BIG plans for him bigger then anything I can dream up for him. (And yes, I like any other mother have dreams for my kiddo) I feel like when he was diagnosed with AS that our dreams were crushed. That everything we had hoped for him broken and irrelevant. That before he was born and while we watched his heart recover our dream was for his heart to just keep beating. For the first 6 months of his life I can remember countless times that I would lay him in his crib at night and just pray "Dear Jesus, please let me find him breathing in the morning" And how I couldn't wait for day to break so I would know that my child is still alive. Nighttime has been the hardest for me and every month that passes and every good checkup we have a the cardiologist, I feel like I can relax a little more. Nights are getting easier, yes, I am actually sleeping through the night and not staring at the monitor as much to make sure I can see his chest rising and falling so I know he is still breathing. Our cardiologist and I aren't having as many "is this normal" conversations ( and yes, sometimes at 2 and 3 in the morning). And we are starting to understand what our "Normal" is.

I'm pretty sure that after all we have been through this past year is why I get so excited for the quiet and boring days. I count it a privilege that I get to sit and watch my sweet child play with his toys and laugh at the strangest things.

Life is so much sweeter when you look death in the face, yes, I agree hole heartly that it's sweeter (doesn't mean it's easier) but sweeter knowing what could have been and what the LORD saved. Life is so much sweeter, that's for sure.