So Much Sweeter.

Hello old friend! I know it's been a while since we've talked so I wanted to get you up to speed on our lives. We are starting to get settled into our home here in Forney and could not be more happier! We know without a doubt that this is right where God has called us. It's such a sweet place to be knowing you're right in the middle of God's plan for our family.  Our everyday lives are quiet and boring for the most part and we couldn't ask for more. After the storm of we have endured over the last year I'm loving the quiet boring moments of life more and more. I love the fact that on most occasions I don't have to get dressed up for anything and the majority of my days are spent on the floor in Holt's playroom watching him explore and play with his toys.

I have been reflecting a lot on what we have gone through this past year and still my mind can't comprehend half of it. I heard some lyrics of a song the other day that I feel really puts into words what I have been trying to wrap my brain around. The song said this "life tastes much sweeter when you've looked death in the face". After staring death in the face I have to agree. Our lives have forever been changed because of Holt's heart. Most everyday is just sweeter because I have a sweet little face constantly reminding me of how powerful prayer is. That without the grace and healing power of our Savior Jesus, I wouldn't have a boy to chase around everyday. Some days I have to choke back tears because I am just overwhelmed by the thought of where we've been to where we are now. I'm sure most of my friends and family are sick of hearing about our heart issues (or at least I feel that way sometimes) but I will NEVER get tired of telling the story of our miracle. I think it's because it's all just setting in. I feel like we are in the calm after the storm. Standing amidst the rebel thinking, it could have been so much worst. Picking up the pieces and trying to make since of everything. I hope you're not thinking that I'm being dramatic or that I just need to get over it and move on. Just hang with me as I process everything.

What got me thinking about all of this is,  May 11th has been a year since Josh and I started on this journey. It's a day that I will never forget. I hear the words so clearly that Dr. Day told us that day. "Your baby is very sick". When you go though something as tragic as we've have gone though a "survival mode" kicks in and you do whatever you have to get through it. So now that I feel like I can exhale and relax a little more I have been processing. And the question that I keep asking myself is "How do you say thank you to a God who saved my child?" My friend, I have no answer but to say tell him "Thank you" everyday, but even that I don't feel is enough to express my gratitude for saving our child. He didn't have to, we didn't deserve for our child's live to be spared and his heart to be healed but Jesus heard our cries and healed our child. What an incredible story Holt is going to be able to tell someday. I have and will continue to ask that God does incredible things in Holt's life with this story. I know that He has BIG plans for him bigger then anything I can dream up for him. (And yes, I like any other mother have dreams for my kiddo) I feel like when he was diagnosed with AS that our dreams were crushed. That everything we had hoped for him broken and irrelevant. That before he was born and while we watched his heart recover our dream was for his heart to just keep beating. For the first 6 months of his life I can remember countless times that I would lay him in his crib at night and just pray "Dear Jesus, please let me find him breathing in the morning" And how I couldn't wait for day to break so I would know that my child is still alive. Nighttime has been the hardest for me and every month that passes and every good checkup we have a the cardiologist, I feel like I can relax a little more. Nights are getting easier, yes, I am actually sleeping through the night and not staring at the monitor as much to make sure I can see his chest rising and falling so I know he is still breathing. Our cardiologist and I aren't having as many "is this normal" conversations ( and yes, sometimes at 2 and 3 in the morning). And we are starting to understand what our "Normal" is.

I'm pretty sure that after all we have been through this past year is why I get so excited for the quiet and boring days. I count it a privilege that I get to sit and watch my sweet child play with his toys and laugh at the strangest things.

Life is so much sweeter when you look death in the face, yes, I agree hole heartly that it's sweeter (doesn't mean it's easier) but sweeter knowing what could have been and what the LORD saved. Life is so much sweeter, that's for sure.

That's A Wrap!

Today is closing day. Yes, that's right, another offer came on our home one week after the previous contract fell through. So, this past weekend Josh and I with the assistance of some good friends packed up what was left in our house and put it in a storage unit. It's a very bitter/sweet feeling. I'm so glad to finally be moving but part of me feels like I am leaving behind an old friend. God has been so faithful to answer our prayers but it doesn't mean it's going to be easy. 

Last night after Holt was in bed I went over to the house to get the final load of our worldly possessions, and  walked through the empty house to make sure we hadn't missed anything.  After going through every closet, cabinet and drawer I turned around to look at the house one final time and choked back tears as I looked over the empty living room. It's hard letting go and moving on. As memories started flooding back, I smiled and walked out the front door for the last time. I pray that the next owners of this house are blessed abundantly more then we were while living there. 

I drove away from the house and down the road with the last little bit of our stuff I heard a song that was so appropriate for our journey ahead. If I were in a movie this would be the music playing in the background. The lyrics say this....

Hold on, to me as we goAs we roll down this unfamiliar roadAnd although this wave is stringing us alongJust know you’re not aloneCause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clearDon't pay no mind to the demonsThey fill you with fearThe trouble it might drag you downIf you get lost, you can always be foundJust know you’re not aloneCause I’m going to make this place your home

This song was so what I needed to hear as I drove away from the house that I love. I began to realize that home turned back into a house. It was just walls and a roof after all our stuff had been moved out. And now, well I have such a unique opportunity to make our new house a home. A home filled with love and laughter. A place where Holt can rest and feel safe, while his heart continues to recover and grow stronger.  A shelter from the world around us. You see I am learning a house only becomes what you make of it. Until you make it a home, it's just a house. 

So my prayer for this new house as it becomes our home is this:  

"That  dear Jesus, You would invade all You see of us

and any man, who'd walk Your road is welcomed here. Oh Jesus, come and walk the halls of this houseTread this place and turn it inside out with Your mercy...Jesus, teach us the prayers that open these doorsUntil Your light floods in and illuminates these floorsAnd let Your truth be on our steps and in these roomsso our walls will be filled with Your praises.
Jesus invade... "

I long for our house to be a place of peace, where Jesus is evident in every room. That we would be different and a light for the darken world around us. I am excited to move on and create new memories under a new roof in a new city. No, the road head won't be easy but I know it will be worth it. I told Josh when we were deciding if he should take this new job or not that when I said "I Do" the day we were married it meant "I will". I will go where ever he goes and will stand beside him as he chases his dreams and I will be his biggest cheerleader as his dreams become reality. And no matter where our house is, it will always be home with him, me and our precious son Holt. 

So here's to our new house, Lord Jesus invade and make it a home! 

If Walls Could Talk...

It's not personal, it's business. Yes, my friend I learned this valuable lesson last week. You see two weeks ago our house went under contract. I did my very best to not get excited about it but sometimes you just can't help it. I felt like our prayers have been answered and the ball was rolling on our move to the metroplex. Last Monday and Wednesday Holt and I spend our days looking for a new house we could make a home. After seeing what felt like a 1000 homes, we found one! A perfect home, on a perfect street, in the perfect subdivision, just all around perfect. Josh met us at this house after he got off work and he agreed. So like any good second time home buyer we decided to sleep on it.... and let me tell you we are so very glad that we did. The next morning I got the call that no seller under contract wants to get and I'm sure no realtor wants to make. My sweet realtor broke the news to me as gently as she could. "They buyers have backed out." that and a migraine with a side of teething (which means very cranky) 6 month old is how my Thursday morning started. After I wrapped my head around the reason they backed out I felt offend and hurt. I have never been on this end of house selling before so of course there are lessons to learn.  I took if very personally that they did not want my house. Then I realized that to them it was just four walls and a roof. That haven't lived in the house like we have. There has been lots of life lived in this house.

The buyers didn't know that Josh and I bought this house together as a home to start our married life in. From the moment we bought it I knew that the Lord had blessed us with a home that is more then we deserve. And I made a promise to Him that our door would always be open to anyone that needed a place to rest, because we were blessed and wanted to bless others. Josh moved into this house a couple months before we were married and then I joined him after we got married. The day we got home from our honeymoon, before we even drove in to Tyler, my brother called and said that his house was hit by lightening and their electricity was out. He kindly asked if he and my sister in law could come stay in our guest room until they got everything worked out. So in they came, them and their two dogs. That my friend is how Josh and I spent our first night in our home. With 4 dogs and 2 guests. We decided from that moment on our "honeymoon" was over!  So this house has not only been a home to Josh and myself but it's been a retreat from the world for my brother and sister in law, who have moved in and out for over 3 years while she was battling cancer. 

They didn't know that this room has been a place of rest for two of the most dearest and precious  people in my life. My sweet sister in law, Lindsey and my son Holt. The Lord has done some mighty healing in this room and has saved two lives that are and will do incredible things in His name. This room has been a resting place for them.

They didn't know all the dinners that were cooked and shared in this kitchen. Or about the many conversations that were had sitting here after dinner. 

They didn't know that this "master retreat" has been a safe haven for Josh and myself. It's been a place for our love and relationship to grow. It was a place of rest for me during 30 weeks of my pregnancy. It''s seen it fair share of love, laughter and yes, some good ol arguments. 

 They didn't know as they walked in our living room of the many friends that have sat in here and laughed and just enjoyed each others company. Or the many Saturdays of just veggin and relaxing while watching football. Or the many hours of video games that have been played. They didn't how wonderful the back yard is. That when the weather is nice you can sit on the patio and eat dinner, and when it gets dark sit under the star with a fire in the fire pit. Oh the conversations that have been had out side by the fire.

They didn't know that I stood in this entry way and cried, tear of joy, the day Holt and I came home from the hospital. I stood staring at a house I hadn't seen in 4 long months and felt comfort because I was home. 

Im pretty sure that if the buyers knew what kind of home this house has been to us then they might not have walked away. I know that somewhere out there there is a family that is looking for a home just like this. And our prayer for this house has been and will continue to be that the next family to live here will fall in love and live life in this house like we have. Until then I'm going to keep reminding myself...

It's not personal, it's business.