Another week, another lesson.

Another week has come and gone. As I sit at the beginning of a new week, I have mixed emotions. First, we'll get through the good stuff. Last weeks scans were all good reports.The echo is still stable and sonograms are looking good. Dr. Weiss told me again on Friday "I'm no cardiologist but his heart is looking better." I agree with him, I by no means have any knowledge of the heart but from what I've seen these last 5 weeks it looks like a better functioning heart. Either way, Holt is doing good! I know that these good reports come only by the grace of God and I believe that he is sustaining and keeping my baby safe. Thank you Jesus!

The more I understand about the heart the more I realize how complex and wonderful it is. Every time I meet with a doctor they re-explain the function of the heart and how it pumps the blood. I am amazed when I think of the creator that created this organ. One of the first thing that my sweet sister-in-law helped me with when I was settling in here was making poster with scripture to hang on the walls.  I want to share with you one of them.

 Psalm 139:13-17.
"For you created my inmost being: you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful; I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!"

This situation has given me a new perspective of these verses. We really are fearfully and wonderfully made. Every part of our body, every organ, every system, every beating, moving part of our body from head to toe was no accident. We were created from nothing. A brilliant mind spoke us into being. And that my friend makes me speechless. Speechless, that someone that big and wonderful could love us. Despite are human-ness. And let me tell you I am being very human today.

Even with these good reports somehow today I feel like I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders. Monday's are one of the hardest days for me.  Don't get me wrong we had a wonderful weekend. Josh came down Thursday evening after work. It's good to see him. One of the hardest things right now is the distance. I have told him that I will never be a commuter couple or a work widow ever again. I know this is only temporary but it doesn't make it any easier. My parents came over on Saturday to spend the day with us. We had a wonderful time playing games and celebrating my dad's birthday.

Downstairs there is a bakery, Josh and I got him a cake. It's was wonderful!

We also had another visitor. Her name is Zoe. She is a therapy dog. It's fun to have such a cute visitor! I enjoyed spending time with her. I am a huge dog person and I am missing my dogs a lot lately. So to have sometime with a dog is well, therapy.

I think my issue is I am just home sick. I haven't seen my house in over a month. That's a long time, especially when I am starting to "nest". All I can do is think about what I would be doing if I were home and how much we do not have for this baby when he comes home. Due to this unforeseen situation I had to post pone my baby showers. Which made me sad because I was so looking forward to those. Please don't get me wrong,  I would much rather be here knowing and having a plan to help Holt then being surprised after he is born. I still can't help but think, how after we leave the hospital is everything going to come together? Please also understand that I am writing only to document my thoughts. I know that someday I will look back on this and laugh when I think how silly I was to worry about little things like diapers or bottles. I would give those things up a thousand times over to have a healthy baby. It's just hard sitting here with nothing but time on my hands to think, and that's where I get in the most trouble. If I could just shut my brain off for a minute and listen to what I really know. The all of my need have been and will continue to be met, and I know the same for my son- God will provide for us.

The other night I woke up at 4:30 again and my mind went racing. I've decided this is when God has my undivided attention and we do a lot of dealing at this time. I started thinking "God how is all this going to work out? I don't have nothing for this child! Then my simple mind started listing everything that we don't have: a diaper bag, bottles, diapers, blankets, a monitor (how will I know if he's ok?? cause walking in the room and looking the "old fashion" way would of course never due! ;) ) I have no swing, how every will I put the kid down? How can a baby ever survive without a swing! The nursery is not finished- goodness the bedding is still in the bag! How is the world are we ever going to survive after we bring him home!!!" Let me tell you the answer I received.

This is a lesson that I have had to relearn. You would think that I would have gotten it by now. I KNOW with everything in me that God WILL provide everything we need, because He promises. I just can't get my brain up to speed with my heart!
In the middle of my silly prayer I heard this whispered to me in the most loving way-

"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11 ) Lauren, Just trust me, I've got it all under control!

I was then reminded that I had to learn this lesson just a few short months ago. You see getting pregnant was not the easiest thing for Josh and me.  Not a lot of people know this but I had an appointment with an infertility doctor here in Dallas. I thought that was the road we were heading down.  A couple days before the appointment I was filling out all the paper work and stopped in the middle of it and decided I was not ready to give up on God, so I cancelled the appointment.  Josh and I decided to give it until the end of the year and if in January we still weren't pregnant I would reschedule the appointment. The next day as I was driving to work, I was discouraged. This was September and we had been trying since January and both were just frustrated. (I know what you're thinking, that's not a long time- but there's more to the story that I'll spare you the details) While driving and letting God know how frustrated I was he ever so gently reminded of this verse.
I felt like God was grabbing my cheeks looking me straight in the eyes and said "You believe I know the plans for I have for you but would you believe this for your unborn child? Would you believe that I KNOW the plans I have for him. For his future, one filled with hope and not harm. A plan to prosper him. I know when the exact egg will drop to be fertilized. I know the exact day you will find out about your child. I know the exact day when he will be born- it's just not time yet.  I know what your future holds as a family. Will you not trust me? I know!"  How can you argue with that?

 So I placed our future in His hands and began praying that he would do "immeasurably more then all we can ask or imagine" (Eph 3:20)  That my friend he did, I found out on November 19th that we were blessed with a child. Yes, God answers prayers! He answered our prayer, but not in the way that I had planned. He did it in his perfect timing and with his perfect plan.

Why is it that I know all this but there are days when I feel like my world is spinning out of control. For some reason lately I have felt the need to be prepared (I blame the hormones) and I am also learning that through this whole situation I have no way to be prepared. The "normal" is no longer our "normal". "Normal" for us has been forever changed. I am slowly learning that there really is no other way then trust in the Lord to help us find our new "normal".  We'll get there eventually, it's a one day at a time process. I think that's why we are to daily "walk" with the Lord. I'm glad it's a walk, cause running gets you no where fast, except for out of breath. I am so thankful for the Lord's patience with me. And that he will teach me the same lesson over and over and over again. Hopefully one day we can move on to a new lesson! But until then, we are taking it one day at a time.

Before I end this post today I wanted to share with you some pictures my wonderful mother took of us this weekend. Another thing that I am having to deal with is not having maternity pictures taken. My passion is photography and I love a good picture. But this is part of our new "normal"- pictures taken from an iPhone at the hospital. On the other hand I am so grateful that I have a few good pictures to remind me of this time. Now that I have rambled enough here are a few pictures.

 I played in Photoshop yesterday evening to make this.

 I will forever treasure these memories because they will forever remind me of what a Savior we serve. Yes, the waiting is hard and never fun. But God has already preformed so many miracles in our lives and I know he's not yet finished with our family. Thank you for your continued prayers and encouragement. I cannot express to you what they mean to us.