Standing on the Promises

I love music. I don't have very much musical talent but I love listening to it. There is something about music that can renew the soul. This morning I had a wonderful time of worship. I turned on Pandora while I was getting ready and the first song that came on was Selah singing "Standing on the Promises". Such a sweet song I grew up singing. I want to share the lyrics with you, because they just fit my situtaion so well.

Standing on the promises of Christ my King,
Through eternal ages let His praises ring,
Glory in the highest, I will shout and sing,
Standing on the promises of God.

Standing, standing,
Standing on the promises of God my Savior;
Standing, standing,
I’m standing on the promises of God.

Standing on the promises that cannot fail,
When the howling storms of doubt and fear assail,
By the living Word of God I shall prevail,
Standing on the promises of God.

Standing on the promises of God is about all I can do these days. I'm not gonna lie to you, lately I have been struggling. I know with everything in me that God has got this situation under complete control! My heart knows this but my head is a little slower to catch on. Just when I think I can't do this anymore I'm reminded of the miricle that God has already preformed. (and it makes it a little easier to sit here) Last week, Holly (cardiolgist nurse practitioner) came by to check on me and answer my questions. As I am processing this whole situation she (and every doctor that we have seen) has been so patient with me as I ask questions no matter how off the wall and crazy they might be. I don't rememeber the question but the answer Holly gave me made me stop and say "Thank you dear Jesus for watching out for my baby". She told me that 1 in 800 babies that are born have heart disease and one step further 1 in THOUSANDS of babies have the condition that Holt has. (lucky us huh?) She then went on to say (and this is the miricle) that finding this in the fetus NEVER happens. It is almost always found after the baby is born and it is usually to late to do anything. Sometimes I don't feel like "thank you" is enough. I mean my child's life was saved because of that sonogram.

It amazes me that God cared enough to prompt me for the sonogram. But if you think about it isn't that what God does? Isn't he in the saving business. Isn't that the whole reason why Jesus came to this earth? To save us? So why is it that when something like this happens I am amazed. I'm amazed that he cares enough about Josh and me and my unborn child to prompt me to ask for a sonogram. I'm sure you feel like I'm beating a dead horse into the ground... Yes, Lauren we all know all of this! You'll have to have a little patience with me as I process this whole situation. When something this traumatic happens it takes a while to process. And that my friend brings me to my struggles lately, I've been processing.

Last week for multiple nights straight I'd wake up at 4:30. Just wide awake. And of course what do you do when you are a wake that early in the morning? You think. Let me tell you I can think myself into the craziests of scenarios! Let me share one with you. (Please understand that I now laugh at this) I started processing our situation and rememeber that at one time I was told that Holt has a big head. Of course, being tired and hormonal, I went to the craziest place! (Here's where you can start laughing at my brain.) I thought childern with down's syndrome have heart problem and big heads. Of course fear and panic struck me. I started crying and praying "Lord, I don't know if I will be able to handle multiple problems. Isn't a severe heart problem enough?" After a few minutes of prayer I calmed down and feel back to sleep. I woke up with the thought still on my mind and of course had to ask about it. So poor Dr. Thomas (cardiologist) was asked the crazy question. He chuckled a little and reassured me that yes, babies with down's syndrome have heart problems it is completely different then the heart problem Holt has. He also said if there was any concern of this the OB's would be doing a number of test and I would for sure know about it by now. He then reassured me that he has had moments like that when he wakes up at night and his mind goes off the deep end. So atleast I'm in good company. Ha! I know full well that everything else (as far as they can tell) is 100% healthy and normal with Holt. If that reassurance wasn't enough Dr. Weiss assured me that yes, we have a baby with a big head but it's a normal big head. I'm pretty sure that it just means he'll be exta smart cause he has room for a bigger brain? Ha! I'll just keep thinking that!

 After all this reassurance my heart calmed down a little. I know I'm new to this whole parenting thing and by no means do I have ANYTHING figured out. If anything I feel like I'm back at the starting line wondering "How do you care for a child with heart disease?" I have been told a number of times that before we are discharged they will make sure I feel comfortable with the instructions and know how to care for him. It gives me a little comfort knowing this. I still can't help but allow my mind to wonder to after he's born. I can't help but think about all that he is going to go through after he's delievered. It's really not fair if you think about it. I know and Josh knows what this little guy will face, but he has no clue! I've been given about 100 different scenarios of what will happen and all I can think of is I can't protect him from this. I would give anything to change places with him and go through it for him. But I can't. It gives me a better understand of why Jesus did what he did for me. I know he understands! Isn't that why he came to die? If you think about it we all suffer from heart disease- sin. But God gave us the ultimate healing. Only the blood of Jesus can cleanse our heart and make it new. So why is it such a struggle for me to comprehend this trial? I think it's because it's involves a whole new life. And that is a whole new concept for me.

 Most first time parents get to atleast hold their child before making decisions for them. Josh and I have been making decisions for this kiddo for weeks and we have no idea when we'll get to hold him. Kinda makes it a lttle more challenging. I'm pretty sure that's why we were instructed to "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding..."(prov.3:5) I have gone down the "why me" road. Why him? Why my child? Out of the 1000's of babies, why did it have to be us? It's not fair! Why can't I just have a "normal" child? and my friend I have no answer. I know that this is a good thing that I am going down this road. It's part of my healing process. I also know God is big enough and patient enough to listen to my questions. Though I don't have an answer for these question (and probably won't this side of heaven,) I have the peace that passes all understanding. What more do you need?

There has been a song on repeat in my head, I know it's my answer for now. It's called "Safe" (I believe Phil Wickham sings it.) The whole song is very powerful but the part that has been stuck in my head is this part:

You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world
are holding your heart

This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

And here is the part that gives me tingles and makes me smile:

These are the hands that built the mountains
the hands that calm the seas
These are the arms that hold the heavens
they are holding you and me
These are hands that healed the leper
Pulled the lame up to their feet
These are the arms that were nailed to a cross to break our chains and set us free

Wow! Those hands have my heart and my precious little boys heart in his hands! Those are pretty powerful hands but gentle enough to hold on tight to us during this storm. My heart can rest easy knowing that we are in good hands, no matter what the out come. Thank you for listening to me.

I know this has been a lengthy post, but it is therapy for me to write down my thoughts. I know without a doubt that we are going to be ok because I've been promised that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28) And that's the promise I am standing on today.

Quick update on Holt. He is still stable and growing. He weighs 4 pounds 11 ounces, which is good. We want him to be a big 'o' baby. The echo last week was identical to the previous 2 weeks. Dr. Thomas said that you could put all the echo's on top of each other and they would looks exactly alike. I said "good" and he told me he is glad I'm learning to say "good" to this. I told him we love to hear the words "stable" and "same". He agreed, they like saying those words. As for due date they are still fully expecting me to go to full term, this week I am 34 weeks. Which means, the most I'll be here is 6 more weeks! Wo hoo!! Let the count down begin. Of course we'll be here alot longer with him, but I will be able to leave the hospital and come back. When it gets closer to my due date they are going to schedule a date for my c-section. They want to ensure that everyone that needs to be available will be here so they will give Holt the best care they can give him. Of course I will keep you posted on all of this.

Thank you again for your prayers and encouragement. I don't have much contact with the outside world and love whenever I do have contact, it calms my fear that I'm not forgotten about while I sit in this lovely hospital room. I know, I know-- my mind is just going crazy here!

My last note, I want to leave you with this verse I have been praying for this kiddo and my family for a while now and would ask for you to join in this prayer with me. "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine" (Eph. 3:20)
He is able and I can't wait to see what He is going to continue do in the life of our son.
Thank you for your prayers!